Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Impostor.

Do you ever feel like an impostor in your own life?

I mean you live and you learn right? But, suddenly it's as if it wasn't real. You  I, have lived this long, 29 years to be exact and suddenly you I feel like, what HAVE I learned?

What do I want to learn? Should I?

But, I am just tired of "it".

Of learning?

Of living this way.... it's all about prospective?

As I poured my heart out to a good friend, I suddenly feel like...I should have waited...on HIM, I shouldn't have said anything...I should have waited?

Why? Why the questions?

Why the impulse? Why?

It was one of those days and I couldn't help but think...that ..."Today,I am an impostor in my life!...and I need to give it up...because it's not my life to begin with!"

I guess this is me, "untwisting" a "raw emotion".

I feel better though... tired...exhausted from the emotional roller coaster... and not quite ready for the next "trip".

But, in preparation! God is here now..and everything is clear?

I think we ALL have days like this, when the enemy grips a strong hold on your heart. Nothing seems right. Nothing seems fair. ::pouts lip and stomps foot:: Nothing is going "your way". Should it be going YOUR way!? Well on this day, I completely FAILED at dealing with it, at hiding it and at just not BEING AS PREPARED as I thought I was!

The Hurricane hit and I was in the midst of preparing!

But, that's how I learned.

I knew what I needed, I was getting it together and next time, next time, I will be ready weeks in advanced.

Not an excuse but I think that my biggest rock is my husband with him gone (ONLY 5 WEEKS LEFT..THANK MY GOOD LORD!), IT'S DIFFICULT!

Difficult to take on every day tasks that I once had control on...they easily fall apart... BUT I AM LEARNING. Gaining. Controlling. Achieving! And, I love it!

Do you have days like this...a roller coaster? If so.... how do you prepare for the next trip?

I would LOVE to know.

Me, I took myself to that place where it all gets untwisted and where the roller coaster sits to rest....CHURCH. I sat in the chapel, it's amazing how many people gather at a chapel on a Tuesday after work... IT GIVES ME HOPE! 

Hope that I am NOT alone!

I know that I am NOT alone...it feels that way... but when you step back...take it all in, you realize, no you are NOT alone...Not only is GOD here but other humans as well...who are experiencing this same roller coaster, called life....

Thank you for taking this ride with me.

Please buckle up and hold on....it's start back up in... 3,2,1

2 comments:

Caserz said...

Well, you know you and I ALWAYS seem to be on the same dang roller coaster!! LOL Dunno how that happens, but I'm sure God has a role in it.


I love you, Connie, and I love the person you are, and am excited to see the person you are becoming! God is with you!

Connie said...

Well Casey. God knows why. He placed us on this roller coaster side by side over a year ago...and at this point...it's been quite an amazing ride... so no matter how far we are from one another..I feel like in time and with time...we will and have become BEST of AWESOME Sista's in Christ! I am Thankful for you...ESPECIALLY during my freak out sessions this summer..with Ricardo being away..I lose a Best friend and it just REALLY affects me at times! :D Praising God for you in my life! Keep Busy! Love you!