The times that I have been a "Stay-at-Home" Momma it's been only because I have had a baby! Ha. With my son I was home for almost 8 weeks, I loved it. I didn't want to go back to work and it was a great time. I thought about all the possibilities, I was happy. But, I had to go back to work as my Hubby was laid off and a full-time student. So I went back to work. A year and half later, I had my Cami, I was home for almost 10 weeks and I MORE THAN LOVED IT. The creative me emerged and I was once more happy. I didn't want to go back to work but had to..so I did. These days I have been home a lot but sick..I just had surgery for a pesky kidney stone just last week.
Why am I pointing this out? Because the times that I have been home with my kids it's been because I have been recuperating from surgery. In the end I have to go back to work because for the time being I am the main support of my family; which I don't mind at all!! I know that when it's all said and done my Hubby having his degree will benefit our whole family of Four! These days I am torn. I have a new position at work, which I love. I love working, I have never been scared to work my butt off and then some. When I have had the chance to, I have worked and worked...and worked.
What makes things difficult is that I have 2 amazing little Angels at home. They are growing so fast and right before my eyes! My little man is 2 years old! My little momma is 6 months old! Some days I feel sad, so sad that I can't be home; HEALTHY, and doing different activities with them. Walks to the park at mid-day, a field trip to the Children's Museum or Zoo with girlfriends, and story time during lunch at the library! That's the perfect "Stay-at-Home" Momma day right? Since I have been sick during my stays at home with my kids that has not been the case...at...all.....
It's been more about how frustration sets in, these days tears are inevitable; a fussy and active 2 year old and a hungry 6 month old who is teething makes this Momma wish work was a 7 day a week event! Horrible I know. Because then I have those moments of total heart melting stay with me forever love... when I am in pain and my sweet little Camila just fell asleep next to me so that I can rest and Santi is hugging and kissing me cause Momma is hurting....."aiiishhhh" he says as he rubs my arms. Then there are days when Santi proves to be turning into that terrible TWO baby boy that makes him ire-cognizable. It makes me feel like a failure as a Mom when I tell my son, "STOP THAT Santiago!", and I call his name 20 times in a few seconds, or constantly tell him "SON DON'T HIT YOUR SISTER!" My voice rises and my heart breaks and Santi fights back! That's right. As if he had too many words for me he STOPS me in my tracks, points a finger at me as it waves it back and forth he scolds me in his 2 year old gibberish! His face gets red and tears come as he raises his voice! He then tells me "POW MOM! POW!" As he spanks the side of my thigh and slaps my leg... then the real tears come...mine... all I can think is... "WOW. Connie. You are a HORRIBLE Mom." If you are even worthy of being called MOM. It's been so difficult to grasp that being a "Stay-at-Home Momma" has not been easy for me! If I was well and healthy I wouldn't mind the cleaning and cooking and caring for my kids but I think that because of health...the frustration comes a lot easier! I don't want to be that Momma..
That's when I am reminded....that's why it's not your time yet... everything in My timing Connie. I sit in the living room hurting physically and emotionally and I pray. My prayer begins ...Dear Lord, take my home and hold it. Give us favor and Love. Patience and peace. Dear Lord. Make me that loving mom who has kind words and warm arms. Allow me to embrace my life and love my children as they are. For them to love me for who I am... imperfect, human, and attempting to make things right...every day... Dear God hold me. Hold my children and my Husband.
I want a happy, loving home, amidst the chaos where WE make mistakes, accept the responsibility for OUR actions and words and correct them. I want a home filled with God. Grace. Understanding. Because we are human..and we. will. make. mistakes. Hopefully we will be grace-filled and correct our errors to make a better home. I pray. I Thank God for my life. Our lives together. My inspiration flies HIGH! Faith is restored and my slips are forgotten.