::GUEST BLOG POST- Survive the Holidays by Setting Boundaries & Releasing Expectations::
It’s the most wonderful time of the year...or is it? For some, the holidays are the highlight of
the year. They look forward to the
decorations, traditions, and family get-togethers. For others, the holidays can trigger painful
memories and serve as a source of anxiety and stress. But there’s hope and I’m
going to share (2) simple ways you can survive and, hopefully, enjoy the
holidays.
1. Set Boundaries: Setting boundaries is a term that therapists
LOVE to use. Essentially, boundary
setting communicates to others what is okay and what is not okay with you. In addition to physical boundaries, we can
also set emotional and relationship boundaries.
During the holidays, many couples
struggle with how to balance the demands of extended family. Each partner may feel pulled by their
family/friends to partake and celebrate the holidays by their family’s
traditions. This outside stress often
results in each partner taking their frustration out on each other. Here’s the good news! If you set boundaries
ahead of time you can avoid a lot of pain & frustration.
How To: Discuss with
your partner how the both of you want to celebrate the holidays. This may mean setting new traditions. Decide what works for your relationship. Be as specific as possible. What time will you allot for visiting one
another’s family/friends? What time will
you reserve for your new traditions?
Communicate to one another what is
most important to you – your must haves as well as what you’re flexible
on. It’s important to be as eager to
meet your partner’s requests as you are for them to meet yours.
Once you’ve established your limits
and rules refer back to them anytime a family member or friend challenges
you. For example, if your sister insists
on having dinner for New Year’s Eve at her house because that’s what you’ve
done for the past 15 years, but you really want to celebrate New Year’s Eve
this year alone with your beloved then be ready to communicate that to your
sister. Note: It’s most important that the person who enforces the boundaries/limits
be the one who has the most history with the person challenging the boundaries.
Benefit: By establishing and agreeing to your boundaries as
a couple there will be less confusion about how to respond to outside
pressure. If you’ve decided as a couple
what you will commit to prioritizing one another’s wishes, then you can both
rest assured that you are both working towards the same goal.
2.
Release Expectations: Having a plan and
a wish list of ways to celebrate is GREAT.
There’s nothing wrong with having a vision of how you would like things
to go. However, if you forget to include
flexibility as part of that vision you’re likely to suffer from great
disappointment when if things don’t go exactly as planned. I’m no psychic, but you can probably bet on
something not going as planned. Depending
on how you manage disappointment, your reaction may hinder your ability to
enjoy the festivities. However, by
allowing for the unexpected you increase your likelihood and ability to manage
the stress of things going off script.
How To: Sit down with
your partner and make a list of activities that are important to both of you--activities
such as driving around local neighborhoods to see how they decorate their homes
with holiday lights or baking cookies. Then decide again which are most
important and how you will be flexible about.
It’s great to have a vision, but if you’re ability to enjoy the holiday
is contingent upon strict orchestrated ways that these activities will be
performed then you may end up disappointed.
Also remember, this is YOUR
vision. The rest of your family may not
find these activities as exciting or joyful as you. If your ability to enjoy the holiday relies
upon OTHERS enjoying the activities you planned you may end up highly
disappointed and resentful. Stay flexible! For example, decide that you want to see the
neighborhood lights, but be flexible on the day/time you see them versus, “We
have to go see the holiday lights on Christmas Eve at 8 PM with everyone in
their PJS and then stop afterwards to get hot cocoa from the coffee shop drive-through
because THAT’S WHAT WE DO EVERY YEAR!” That attitude may not spark the holiday
cheer you’re working towards.
Benefits: By implementing flexibility into your holidays,
you will be better equipped to manage the anxiety that may arise if things
don’t go exactly as planned or if someone isn’t as thrilled about your plans as
you. This will allow you to stay in the
moment, be present, and perhaps even laugh at the chaos. I know…wishful thinking.
Whatever you decide to do, remember
that the stories and the value we assign to life is exactly that…the value WE
assign to it. So this holiday season,
decide WHAT you will prioritize and what value you will assign to it.
Happy Holidays!
Eliza Boquin, MA, LMFTA
Relationship Therapist
FB, IG, TWITTER: @trswcofhouston
You can find Eliza online:
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