Tuesday, March 27, 2012

{When all you have is prayer....} ♥

My hearts been a little heavy lately. For many personal reasons right now. The enemy is trying to chip away at my desperate little heart. The enemy doesn't know though that God is fighting this inner battle for me and nothing stands a chance against Him!  

For a while I did really well.

That feeling of belonging was coming back to life. Change happened and everything was well; short of amazing.

Then for weeks..months...that feeling came back...you know the ONE...irrelevance. Silence. Sadness. The sense that you just don't belong. That place where you can no longer sit still and life just begs you for change.

Because there is a better place out there for you. Maybe. Maybe?

I look around and everything is in place. Smiles. Happiness. Belonging. Then my heart yells but WHY? And in the words of the ever so famous and  horribly spoken, Dane Cook, WHY NOT ME?

And, the whisper tells me..."why not YOU? You are here for a reason with a purpose on a mission. I never told you I would make this easy, that life would be easy, that your life would be set and perfect. Never. Following Me is NOT meant to be easy, and spelled out for you. Following Me means trusting without seeing what I have in store for you. "

But it's difficult. To wait. To hold my breath. To sit in this irrelevance. To wait. To hold my breath. It's been a while. When I think back..it's been a long while. The irrelevance sits, in every corner of my heart and marinates until I can't hold it in any longer.

"Do you hear yourself Connie?"

Every time things get bad you want to bail.

Here is the thing {and I am simply sharing, no need to feel bad for me, that time is over..this here is menial}..for 10 years I stood in the storm. Faced it head on. I was 14 the first time I heard my Mother sob. The abuse. The knowledge. The pain. The tears. The struggles. I lived it. My Husband has been my Knight in shinning armor. He came "swooped" me up and shook me to wake up and to grow up! God gave me strength, motivation and hope. To move forward, to protect, to love, to forgive. I did. I have. I am in new place.

James 1:12 {Amplified Bible}
12Blessed (happy, [a]to be envied) is the man who is patient under trial and stands up under temptation, for when he has stood the test and been approved, he will receive [the victor's] crown of life which God has promised to those who love Him.

I thought that was hell, everything else should, would and could be easier. Right? Then the enemy settles in my mind and heart that lie. The lie of irrelevance.
The place where hope fails and I feel like a failure.

All those years, of building and growth. For what? For who?

Why not ME?  And I sit. In prayer.
Alone. Thinking. Tears.
Heart open and Bible in place.

God is here. He has ALREADY won this battle.

And prayer is all I have....


1 comment:

De Su Mama said...

Chica! Please always know you are relevant! Thank goodness for strong and loving husbands, huh? Chin up, amiga! Besos.