Yeah. Uhm. At 31 with 2 toddlers{ the almost 3 year old and the 1 & 1/2'er}. That's totally not me anymore. At all. Or so I have come to realize it. Not by choice at least. In reality. That is my life outside of my home, I have happened to fall into this this called a career. And, it's been a bit well overwhelming to say the least.
You know as a young 20-something year old planning a future, buying a home and getting married while going to school and obtaining a degree to be a full-time career woman out in corporate America, I thought I was doing everything right. Now that I am 31, married, working, with 2 kids, and just so much going on around me, I doubt myself and where I am going or what I am really meant to do.
I want the at home life. With my Momma Loves running around in their diapers or not {totally by choice they both now know how to take off their clothes and their diapers, yes I know my life is awesome}, yelling and crying all at once, pushing and punching while pulling hair and asking each other for hugs, don't ask, they are totally filled with a million emotions at every minute of the day, my house is melt-down city or lovey-dovey town at any given moment of the day all the while asking to watch "Wal-Ace" for the millionth time on demand or else! {My son is totally into Wallace and Gromit, don't ask, I have no clue. He is a pretty random kid.}
That's the life I thrive for. {Silly me.}
I know it's not possible RIGHT now but maybe one day....in the near future. And, I know I ask for this a lot, the whole being at home with my kids and the maybe one day in the near future thing. It's just that the life I have I know is a Blessing and amazing but I just struggle with what God may be telling me to do. Drop it all and be a Super Momma or keep this life and prove to myself that I can do it.... that I CAN be everything I have ever wanted to be and more..but then I think; I am everything I have wanted to be and with my kids...so much more that I never thought I could be. Does that make sense?
It's a whole different world to have known the work-life and then motherhood.... I struggle. I want them both but where am I needed most?
I wanted to change the world and make the Hispanic community and better place...I wanted to heal the wounded and be recognized by the President one day for being so good at it. These days, I want to make my son be nice to his Nena {Sister} and my home and happy place filled with joy and happiness, faith and love, I want to heal every "boo-boo" right as it happens and never be recognized for cause it's my duty as the Momma of my home. All I ask in return is for a warm hug that lights up my day, a nap with my lil'Momma and kisses from my lil'Man... it's the most amazing life that I want..but I guess we can't have it all...
The title really doesn't fit my post but it's when the feeling emerged as the clock hit 11pm and my Hubby texted me to say he was leaving my daughter at my Mother-in-laws so that I wouldn't have to wake her up at 5 am the next morning just to take her back. The emotions hit me as I got home and my son was asleep and couldn't tell me how awesome of a day he had at school and how he had gone to the potty all by himself. The emotions arose as my Hubby said good-night and good-morning all at once, knowing that I wouldn't see him again for another 10 to 12 hours... all while working late and seeking purpose as to where this may lead me... and where God wants me to go....
I am a follower of Jesus but some days...I become confused and think about which path He really wants to lead me down...
While working late....
By the WAY, it's currently melt-down city in my house.....
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| looking veryyy tired after a very long week. |
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