{Taking back my LIFE!} Semana: 1

This week I made a resolution!

After my reservation for...Pity Party, Table of One, was cancelled... I decided to take back my life. Like any other normal human being, I am going to fight this pain! I REFUSE, to allow it to win and steal my joy! It, IT, doesn't have that kind of power over me! It just doesn't! What was I crazy to think that I could wallow for more than a few days! NO!

This morning, I woke up, took my meds, worked through the pain and got moving...I almost, almost put makeup on! {One day at a time Connie. One day at a time! Ha.} I hate to make light of a painful situation..but it's going to be the only way! The only way! As I got dressed Ric said...are you pain? {Yes.} cause you look like your in pain... {Thank you Captain Obvious! HA. Don't tell him I said that..Ha. He'd be mad! Ha.}

This week my goal is to work through the pain every morning and make progress in what ever needs to be done for the week....


I will update everyone soon... in the mean time...

I am looking for Guest Bloggers; I thought I wanted stories of Thankfulness but I think what I really want is a list..in the form of my previous Thankful Thursday's post. You can be Thankful for one thing or a hundred. I would like about 5 people I will be posting the day of Thanksgiving along with my own Thankful List! 

Let me know if you'd like to join our Thankfulness party! Just email me at: mommaofdos@gmail.com

(Pity Party}

That's right.

I woke up at 3 am today. Once more in pain. I prayed. I took my meds and then I thought. Why? Why am I allowing this pain to take over my life? To run me? WHY?!

For days now the pity party has been at my house, with one guest. Yes. Me.

Just now I thought; Ignore the pain, work through it and get past it! I stopped thinking about what was hurting and decided to sit down and read. I started with my good friend Casey's blogs, the Kathy, then Karen... all with the same message. Life. It happens. Why am I wallowing? Why haven't I taken God's offer to hold my hand and walk me through this? Why haven't I gone to church in over a month? Why Connie?

Then I thought. Life is passing you by. Life is happening and you are too busy... having this {ugh} pity party  for yourself...everyday. Every hour. Every minute. Get over it. 

I am seeking your face dear Lord. I am ready to start over. To take over. My health needs you. My body needs you. My heart needs you. I need you.

No more will allow the enemy to take over me. No more.

He (Jesus) said to her, "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.” Mark 5:34

{When Hope is Lost...}

I have faith in healing. I know God can perform many miracles.

But, on days like today when you feel useless...and yes...hopeless...when I pray and tears are inevitable. I can't help but remember how human I really am.

I am in NO way, shape or form trying to compare my current illness to other chronic and fatal illnesses such as Cancer. I can't imagine the pain the or rigorous treatments without result. But, I am ill. Right now, it feels like a chronic problem.

It started about a month ago. A visit to the ER for Kidney Stones, a week later an emergency surgery to remove them. A stent in for about a week. {The worse pain and experience of my life, btw.} I went back to work packed with meds, an everyday regime of pain, antibiotic and nausea pills to be a functional daily person. Ridiculous if you ask me. Ridiculous. Here I am almost 3 weeks later, failed medication and a slew of new problems.

More pain, a swollen Kidney, ER visits from what feel like I could give birth to a 10 lbs stone, not fun. I feel useless. I can't even care for my kids. I can't go to work without the anxiousness of being in pain. I can't be me. I want my life back. This, I am sorry, is not life.

I pray that God can give me total healing and health. That the doctor can give me an answer to the pain and that I can truly "normal" again.

Hospital bills are growing. Patience is being lost. Fear of the future is being built. Hope is being lost? I don't want that... I don't want that....

I don't want to be the sick Mom, the ill employee, the wife always in the hospital.... the person with medical issues. I guess no one does... It just reminds me of that movie...again not comparing my illness to illnesses like that but what else can I do when I feel hopeless and helpless...

Medication is my foe. Kidney stone are my enemy. Kryptonite if you will. Like one person said.... "she's always on the injured list...." Perspective I guess.

I don't want this to be my identity. And, the tears are inevitable.

Desperate for healing. UGH. About it all.

I want off of this roller coaster....RIGHT NOW!

"Do not fear. Look beyond what's dying to what's being born."- Marianne Williamson, is a best-selling author, motivational speaker and just a plain amazing woman.

 

Let's try this again....

12 years ago today Ricardo asked me for the SECOND time to be his girlfriend...I wasn't tryin' to get married or anything...I was only 18! He was 20!

When was the first time you may ask...well I may have already told this story..but I love it so.

Ricardo and I met in 1999. I wanted to be an accomplish doctor and he was still trying to figure out which direction he wanted to go in... I didn't want a boyfriend. I wanted to go to school and be happy...with ME!

We met in August, we spoke on the phone for about 2 months... finally in October we went on a couple of dates. Again. I didn't want to be serious with anyone...

It was October. Poor guy had to buy a cell phone after a few weeks of using a pay phone to call me...FYI, and he hates this detail...sometimes..  I would tell my mom to tell him I wasn't home. It wasn't that he wasn't a good guy or anything. Ricardo's always been a gentle giant {as my cousins once called him}. He was always sweet, respectful, attentive, and caring. One time, I told him I couldn't go to a concert with him cause I had a stomach flu and he sent me get-well flowers, a card and got the band at the concert to autograph a CD cover for me... I wasn't even that sick... it was uhm, that time of the month for me { I KNOW T.M.I. MOMMA! HA. } and was embarrased to be around hiim! Crazy, I know. But, I was young. Anyway. It was October. Halloween came around and we decided to go to a couple of haunted houses, my least favorite activity, I am not one to like scary anything...call me a whimp! I don't care! I just don't like it!

So. It's Halloween. We are standing outside of a haunted house and as we are walking in...Ricardo said... "do you want to be my girlfriend?"...he had caught me off guard...I said..... "uhm, no. sorry." It ruined the night and we left.... I didn't hear from him until 2 days later...

When he came back he was determined. It was el Dia de los Muertos.  My family was in the house and Ricardo came back knocked on the front door asked to speak to me and when he did, he asked...again. Only this time. I said YES. He said that would have been the last time he talk to me had I said No. But, something tells me...that's not true.

I said yes. 

and

He didn't give up. 

I am so glad he didn't......

Working Momma 101

Many of us work; inside the home, outside the home, BOTH.

As an outside the home working Momma, I have encountered many stories shared by women in the same place, many accomplishments, many moments of encouragement and Faith, but also challenges and times of true discouragement.

I think it's the enemy trying to deviate my focus.

I am usually a happy go lucky type of person, with many goals in mind but always with my family as a priority; my Husband and my children a like.

I know that where I am now, like many others is only temporary.

I like working and I love my job, my only problem these days is time.

My children are little so I like to think that it's not an issue and that it doesn't affect them as much as if they were older and aware that Momma left when it was dark and came home when it was bed time. It affects me. That's for sure. My Hubby being a Full-time student, I think is used to it. He calls me after class to see if the kids are asleep and rushes home. I on the other hand am not used to it. It's difficult. Small sacrifices now big rewards later?

I don't want to loose focus. I love my job. I love providing for my family. How do I deal though with these moments of Momma blues that just seem to drag me down.... Ahiii.

I pray that in the future my organization and some clarity of mind can help me deal... it's just so difficult tonight...for me to comprehend or grasp the idea that my kids can grow up without a Momma.... it wasn't what I signed up for when I decided to have children but it's how it's worked out.

I sit in the dark. Pray and hope that one day my nights become days and days last forever....

A late night thinkin' Momma.

{Seasons and Reasons}

We are not here to understand the why…

We are not capable….

God is.

He is able.

He is capable.

God knows the reasons to our seasons.

We are here.

Still.

To remain.

To withstand.

To allow.

To fulfill the purpose that God’s will has given our lives…

Today God, I ask you to take over my life and make it yours.

Your will Dear God is where I want to be.

You're reason is my season.

That’s all I want… all the rest of my life.

That’s all.

{Just Life...Just Sayin'}

There comes a turning point when things change...your eyes open and LIFE happens. 

It's be days...weeks..months even...my LIFE has happened and my thoughts, inspirations and feelings linger in the nothing of the real world....

I haven't had time to express, create and innovate the way I would have like to...or want to. 

Sometimes peoples thoughts of me drag me down..am I really who they say I am? 

{Clearly God knows my heart and holds my soul...they are seeking, conflicting and in turmoil of their own..it's why they think that I am, who they think I am..clearly...GOD knows who I am..and guess what, so do I!} 

So, I stand up after my millionth fall and fill myself with GRACE even after another slip of the tongue in that moment of fear and anger.  That moment when I feel like acceptance is needed but fail.

While they claim to build and instead.... destroy... it's ok. 

I rebuild, renew and SPEAK UP IN GOD'S NAME! 

I am stronger today... 

I am happy. 

I am positive and 

I know that God knows me.

Life hasn't always handed me the best....but God has always made things better...and here I am..another lesson learned about truth and sincere friendship... and I move on. 

Yes. 

This expression of raw, unglued emotions is necessary. 

I need to SPEAK. 

Even if I am NOT heard...

so that I can deal, handle and throw away what I don't like about me. 

What I want to change and move forward..

I think we call it closure..

I think. 

Over think and then come back to this....

GOD IS FOR ME!

So, I fear nothing, no-one and MOVE FORWARD! 

I love life. 

I love TRUTH. 

I cherish people who do the same. 

Today I have FAITH. 

I remain calm.

I stay happy and above all POSITIVE. 

About life. 

About my friends. 

About my family.

I am healing..inside and out..I am seeking inside and out..I am loving. 

{Only God can take care of the rest.... 

Only Faith can lift me when I am down....

Only Love can prevail. 

Only TRUTH can be exposed. 

Only prayer will get me through this...

Only my family will understand.}

Love, FAITH, Happiness and Positivity..that's what I want from now on... 

I am working on ME. That's all. 

When life's got you down..look up...

HE is there and HE has the answers...

HE will embrace you and HE will change you!!! 

Blessed Sunday. 

{Waffles and Oatmeal} ♥

It's the small things. 

It's the simple life. 

It's those moments of Blessing. 

It's positivity. 

It's happiness. 

It's loyalty. 

It's Love.

It's Friendship....

It's focusing on those who sincerely and truly love you.

Forgiving those who have hurt you...

as I pray they have forgiven me....

We move on.. We move forward. 

Our goal as Parents of Dos is to be  AMAZING, STABLE, HAPPY AND THRIVE for these two Beautiful children:

They are our livelihood, they are our family... we can only be here for support of others but THESE two little waffle and oatmeal eating monkey's are the ones that at the end of the day require all of our time, effort, attention, LOVE, support and hugs!

Great Saturday Everyone! 

Remain....

Positive! 

In Faith. 

Happy.

In Love.

Blessed. 

{Special Feature} ♥

I feel so posh today! Don't look it but totally feel it!

I tried Vlogging this morning..and uhm ME GUSTA! :)

Then... I was asked about my Blog Designer! 

WOW. 

Let me inform you all, my ::insert tickled pink giggles here:: Blog Designer is a fellow Houstonian Momma Blogger! 

I love that!

She has done an amazing job on my Blog and here is her info:

Her Name is Jamie Kubeczka from { Family of Four }

She is not only a fellow Momma of Dos but also an awesome Graphic Designer: HERE

And you can contact her: HERE!

Have a GREAT day All. 

Blessed. 

Positive. 

Health. 

Healing.

Life.

&

Faith....

Boiling Point.

I have a story...about a Momma who wished she could be a stay at home momma....

That's right. 

Me. 

The times that I have been a "Stay-at-Home" Momma it's been only because I have had a baby! Ha. With my son I was home for almost 8 weeks, I loved it. I didn't want to go back to work and it was a great time. I thought about all the possibilities, I was happy. But, I had to go back to work as my Hubby was laid off and a full-time student. So I went back to work. A year and half later, I had my Cami, I was home for almost 10 weeks and I MORE THAN LOVED IT. The creative me emerged and I was once more happy. I didn't want to go back to work but had to..so I did. These days I have been home a lot but sick..I just had surgery for a pesky kidney stone just last week.

Why am I pointing this out? Because the times that I have been home with my kids it's been because I have been recuperating from surgery. In the end I have to go back to work because for the time being I am the main support of my family; which I don't mind at all!! I know that when it's all said and done my Hubby having his degree will benefit our whole family of Four! These days I am torn. I have a new position at work, which I love. I love working, I have never been scared to work my butt off and then some. When I have had the chance to, I have worked and worked...and worked.

What makes things difficult is that I have 2 amazing little Angels at home. They are growing so fast and right before my eyes! My little man is 2 years old! My little momma is 6 months old! Some days I feel sad, so sad that I can't be home; HEALTHY, and doing different activities with them. Walks to the park at mid-day, a field trip to the Children's Museum or Zoo with girlfriends, and story time during lunch at the library! That's the perfect "Stay-at-Home" Momma day right? Since I have been sick during my stays at home with my kids that has not been the case...at...all.....

It's been more about  how frustration sets in, these days tears are inevitable; a fussy and active 2 year old and a hungry 6 month old who is teething makes this Momma wish work was a 7 day a week event! Horrible I know. Because then I have those moments of total heart melting stay with me forever love... when I am in pain and my sweet little Camila just fell asleep next to me so that I can rest and Santi is hugging and kissing me cause Momma is hurting....."aiiishhhh" he says as he rubs my arms. Then there are days when Santi proves to be turning into that terrible TWO baby boy that makes him ire-cognizable. It makes me feel like a failure as  a Mom when I tell my son, "STOP THAT Santiago!", and I call his name 20 times in a few seconds, or constantly tell him "SON DON'T HIT YOUR SISTER!" My voice rises and my heart breaks and Santi fights back! That's right. As if he had too many words for me he STOPS me in my tracks, points a finger at me as it waves it back and forth he scolds me in his 2 year old gibberish! His face gets red and tears come as he raises his voice! He then tells me "POW MOM! POW!" As he spanks the side of my thigh and slaps my leg... then the real tears come...mine... all I can think is... "WOW. Connie. You are a HORRIBLE Mom." If you are even worthy of being called MOM. It's been so difficult to grasp that being a "Stay-at-Home Momma" has not been easy for me! If I was well and healthy I wouldn't mind the cleaning and cooking and caring for my kids but I think that because of health...the frustration comes a lot easier! I don't want to be that Momma...grumpy and upset, un-happy and un-fulfilled.

That's when I am reminded....that's why it's not your time yet... everything in My timing Connie. I sit in the living room hurting physically and emotionally and I pray. My prayer begins ...Dear Lord, take my home and hold it. Give us favor and Love. Patience and peace. Dear Lord. Make me that loving mom who has kind words and warm arms. Allow me to embrace my life and love my children as they are. For them to love me for who I am... imperfect, human, and attempting to make things right...every day... Dear God hold me. Hold my children and my Husband.

I want a happy, loving home, amidst the chaos where WE make mistakes, accept the responsibility for OUR actions and words and correct them. I want a home filled with God. Grace. Understanding. Because we are human..and we. will. make. mistakes. Hopefully we will be grace-filled and correct our errors to make a better home. I pray. I Thank God for my life. Our lives together. My inspiration flies HIGH! Faith is restored and my slips are forgotten.

Is your home perfect? If so, HOW DO YOU DO IT?!

{How the "Kindey Stone" Crumbles!}

I am sure that's not the saying but it's the truth in my case! 

Just as I was getting newly inspired and I truly was on a roll...HA. I get sick. I wish it was a 24 hour bug but it's been a two week pain in the buttocks! I had a kidney stone; it was a big booger... 6mm, on the bigger end of kidney stones, yes ONLY ME! My Husband says; "I have a kidney stone and you have to have SURGERY to get yours removed, why are you always trying to one up me!" Ha. He is silly. But, I finally had surgery on Friday and am now recovering. I don't wish this kind of pain or situation on anyone, it's not a comfortable one. I also realized that I have full blow panic attacks during surgery... well, that  I have had them during my 2 C-Sections! The Anesthesiologist on Friday pointed that out...Thanks Doc, as if I don't have enough faults already! HA!

Also going on; my Dad, a construction guru decided that this weekend...while I was sick and in the hospital was the weekend to start remodeling my house! Yes! What are we doing? Camila's room, finally being started on; she needs her big girl crib cause her bassinet is no longer cutting it! Also, my bathroom needed some re-doing and that was started also; and even though I am laying on the couch or in bed directing it all it's still a bit stressful; but it's much needed and very much appreciated! 

So; with the remodel of Cami's room came, moving our computer! Yep it used to be in the room in a corner by a small window and even though it provided much inspiration for a couple of years, I think that I was in need of this change! It now sits in the core of the HOUSE. Where all the fun happy Blessed chaos happens! I think oodles of inspiration will come from it!Yes. Oodles! He.He.

That's what my absence from Blog-Land has led me to.... what about you?  

What are you up to these days!? 

I pray that you are renewed, inspired and Blessed!