{On having Numero Tres....A KINDA of a Sequel post}

Life as a family of four is just starting to sync up. The stars are beginning to align and I am steps away from the heavens opening up and God saying... "Connie you are awesome!"

And, on days when my kids are being sweet, playing nice and loving their Momma.... I feel like a Super Momma! And I think ...bring it on baby numero tres!

Then there are moments when my kids are punching each other under the kitchen table and yelling bloody murder as I attempt to have a decent grown up conversation with my Hubby about his day and my day with the beautiful kids fighting to the death at our feet. Seriously. Who knew a 19 month could karate chop and that a 3 year old would use his almighty strength to sucker punch his sister in the face. Really. Wow. {trust me. they are both very tough. no one is ever seriously injured. once they hurt each others feelings they hug and make nice.}

Trust me. I don't feel like a new baby is in order when I am trying to eat, read, sit, watch T.V. or doing anything normal and relaxing and both of my kids are calling my name 30 {million} times, cause they know my name and it's "hello. mami. hello. connie. look at me, mami.", when I finally turn they are doing some obscure thing like cutting paper or dumping their diaper on the kitchen floor right.after.I.mopped. Because they do. It's my life.

And then. There are times.Where Santi sits for moments at a time playing, watching his movies, coloring on my walls.... Ha. But, it's as if he is out growing the I want to be all over the house and destroy era. As for Cami, when her brother is not around and they are not pushing, pulling and punching one another, she also has a realm of calm and peace like no other. I look at them hug and kiss each other, play together in peace because it does tend to happen, occasionally. Or when they come to me with hugs and kisses. When they say "love you too mami." or pray with me. It just feels right. It just seems like yes, we will be OK and a third baby...may mean more chaos but it will also multiply ALL of the LOVE and Blessings already in our home.

I know that them being little won't last forever and Santi and Cami are growing faster than I would like.  I just don't know how to make time stop. How to make more time to love, hug and live in peace.

My Hubby has this fantasy {have you seen the Prince of Persia? Or Legends of the Fall? that one has 3 boys but yeah, it's his thing.} that he is destined to have TWO sons. So, he thinks that if I get pregnant, we WILL have another boy and his name will be....Sebastian. It's who he claims we are missing. And, he's taught the kids to ask me.... "Mom where's Sebastian?" And, it totally melts my heart....

Source: Google {Prince of Persia/Disney}

When Ricardo and I first got married we said 3 was a well rounded number but these days we think of finances, education, sanity...HA. And, most days we simply think of God, Faith and Family. The notion that everything WILL be OK, and that God wants this for us... but I hesitate. I think about it and I wonder.....

Could I? Could we? But, how? And, right now... I just don't know. 

{When all you have is prayer....} ♥

My hearts been a little heavy lately. For many personal reasons right now. The enemy is trying to chip away at my desperate little heart. The enemy doesn't know though that God is fighting this inner battle for me and nothing stands a chance against Him!  

For a while I did really well.

That feeling of belonging was coming back to life. Change happened and everything was well; short of amazing.

Then for weeks..months...that feeling came back...you know the ONE...irrelevance. Silence. Sadness. The sense that you just don't belong. That place where you can no longer sit still and life just begs you for change.

Because there is a better place out there for you. Maybe. Maybe?

I look around and everything is in place. Smiles. Happiness. Belonging. Then my heart yells but WHY? And in the words of the ever so famous and  horribly spoken, Dane Cook, WHY NOT ME?

And, the whisper tells me..."why not YOU? You are here for a reason with a purpose on a mission. I never told you I would make this easy, that life would be easy, that your life would be set and perfect. Never. Following Me is NOT meant to be easy, and spelled out for you. Following Me means trusting without seeing what I have in store for you. "

But it's difficult. To wait. To hold my breath. To sit in this irrelevance. To wait. To hold my breath. It's been a while. When I think back..it's been a long while. The irrelevance sits, in every corner of my heart and marinates until I can't hold it in any longer.

"Do you hear yourself Connie?"

Every time things get bad you want to bail.

Here is the thing {and I am simply sharing, no need to feel bad for me, that time is over..this here is menial}..for 10 years I stood in the storm. Faced it head on. I was 14 the first time I heard my Mother sob. The abuse. The knowledge. The pain. The tears. The struggles. I lived it. My Husband has been my Knight in shinning armor. He came "swooped" me up and shook me to wake up and to grow up! God gave me strength, motivation and hope. To move forward, to protect, to love, to forgive. I did. I have. I am in new place.

James 1:12 {Amplified Bible}

¹²Blessed (happy, ^[a]to be envied) is the man who is patient under trial and stands up under temptation, for when he has stood the test and been approved, he will receive [the victor's] crown of life which God has promised to those who love Him.

I thought that was hell, everything else should, would and could be easier. Right? Then the enemy settles in my mind and heart that lie. The lie of irrelevance.

The place where hope fails and I feel like a failure.

All those years, of building and growth. For what? For who?

Why not ME?  And I sit. In prayer.

Alone. Thinking. Tears.

Heart open and Bible in place.

God is here. He has ALREADY won this battle.

And prayer is all I have....

Prayer.

{30 Emotions}

30 Things that I am today.....

1. Blessed.
2. Drained.
3. Tired.
4. Sleepy.
5. Full. 
6. Faithful.
7. Hopeful.
8. Exhausted.
9. Sad.
10. Concerned.
11. Inquisitive.
12. Annoyed.
13. Bumped.
14. Confused.
15. Amazed.
16. Thankful.
17. Friendly.
18. Loved.
19. Loving.
20. Caring.
21. Thoughtful.
22. Creative.
23. Inspired.
24. Motivated.
25. United.
26. Supported.
27. Supportive.
28. Seeking.
29. Lovable.
30. In Need.

In all I think the good outweighs the bad and THANK GOD it's Friday!

I don't think I could have handled another day in this work week!