{On Letting Yourself Go...} #embracingwhoiam

First off...Luke Bryan... love.

Yesterday, I wrote about my constant battle with weight and my self-love and confidence.

These days, I stay home. I am usually in jeans, chanclas, or tennis shoes, a t-shirt.... hair pulled back..no make-up and a smile. I love my life. I love my children. I love my Husband. But, some days, I don't feel like dressing up and feeling fabulous BUT I realize the importance of it.

Que,que?

I know who I am and what I look like on a daily basis and I value the importance of self-image and looking good for yourself and for your Hubby. I have some pretty amazing women in my life and as I looked through my Facebook the other day I saw so many beautiful girls and thought...I can be as put together as them...I just have to make the time and the effort. It's important and I realize it now more than ever.

Being at home with kids all day can make me a very grumpy Momma like person. I don't want that for myself..or my family and especially not my children and Hubby. I love them too much so I should show myself some love and not just feel fit and healthy but LOOK fit and healthy.

Trust me it's a constant up and down feeling and it's not always easy for me.

I try.

I will continue to seek that place where I can just be me and be happy but I don't want to settle for anything less than my best. I loved this past weekend. I got to dress up and go out with my Hubby. I felt amazing. I felt great.

The song above just made me ask myself the question...DO I? And, I know I do, I just need to be more consistent with it all!

So many middle aged emotions tugging at my heart this week.... oh the woes of being 31... 32 in June! It's been a ride and I am ready to take it to the next level!

{Embracing Who I am} #weightbattle

Who am I?

I am a 31 year old Momma of Dos. 31. Not 21, not 18. 31. 





When I first met my Husband I was 18, a size 12 and had no children. I have always battled with my weight though. I have been a size 2 at my smallest when I was about 23 or 24....and I have been a size 18 at 9 months pregnant and 200lbs. These days I am at 175. Size 14 or so. My goal these days is NEVER to look, or be "hot". I want to be healthy and comfortable with myself and who I am not my weight or what society thinks I should look like. I want to be happy and feel good.

As a woman it's a difficult situation. The emotional baggage that comes with constant weight battle is deep. The fears and the disappointment take a toll mentally, emotionally, and physically. I give up constantly, the meltdowns and breakouts get real. Then I regain my confidence and strength to move on.

This weekend we had my Husband's Company Christmas Party. I am not scared to admit that there were women there who looked amazing and are probably really great people as well. But, my confidence runs low sometimes and without the constant reassurance that my Husband provides about not only my capability to be and about the way  I look I am not sure I would ever recover... but I have and I do.





I love who I am. But, I am human and insecurities in me do exist. Some days or nights I am not as confident about myself and who I am as I used to be when I was 21 or 18. It takes work. A lot of work. It takes confident boosters and kind words and patience from my Husband's part. It's takes a little prayer and constant brain fight on my part. I am NOT a super young girl anymore but that doesn't mean I don't want to be fit and sexy. It just means that the reasoning and motivation behind my weight lose should be, I think, driven by some pretty well thought out and reasonable motives.

So, today I am proclaiming that my motives to be fit, healthy and yes...sometimes sexy are:

So that I can run and not get tired of running around in the yard with my  kids.
So that I can be healthy and live a long life with my children and Hubby.
So that I can feel happy and comfortable in my own skin.
So that I can love who I am and embrace my body and figure as it is. 
So that I can try on a dress and not feel like I should choke the girl in the dressing room next me who keeps telling her mom how "big" the size 6 dress fits her! {Just sayin'...keepin' it real. Trust me I said a prayer and contained myself!}
So that I can embrace who I am and who I have become.
So that no one else can define what I "should" look like or WHO I should look like.

I am me. I will NEVER look like any other "young hottie", I will always look like me. A grown woman with two amazingly beautiful children and a great guy next to me who supports me no matter how crazy jealous wife {being totally real here} I get on him. I am beyond Blessed and who I am and how I feel should reflect that. Everyday.

~Table 5~

This post must begin with a temper tantrum. Maybe this is where Santi is getting it from. Ahiii. Thankfully my Hubby knows me and remained objective. Ha.

It starts out on a Saturday afternoon. Frustration set in as we were getting ready for a very good friends wedding. I didn't like the way my clothes was fitting me. Let's face it. I've never been, naturally, a size 2. I am about a cupcake and a cherry coke away from a meltdown most days. I am a short and curvy Hispanic Momma. Asi soy, lo acepto!  I've always had to work at being a stable size 10/12 {does that exist?}. The last five years I've fluctuated between tears and struggles from a size10 to a size 16 while pregnant.

This Saturday I was determined. To fight the pain of these forever unforgiving kidney stones and to forget that I am at 165 in a size 14..but forcing myself into a size12. The aches and pains of being a curvy Momma were overcome and I moved forward. In a black pencil skirt, a nice cream blouse and heels.

We made it to the wedding where we were greeted by smiling faces on a dark patio. I thought, THANK GOD! No lighting! I will appear smaller than I really am, HA. Our friends looked amazing and their happiness and family were more than welcoming. Cocktail hour would come to a close and they would summon us to the dinning room. We assumed we'd be sitting at  the "college buddies" table. We waited at the entrance of the reception for our table number and walked in straight past the table that we would have thought to be at, table 8, where all the other "college buddies" were sitting.

Instead our table number, 5, was composed of 3 new couples, none of whom we knew. But, we didn't mind. We awkwardly sat down and took our respective places at the table. Shyly but surly we all started talking, asking how one another knew the happy Mr. & Mrs. Fernandez. As the stories and relationship statuses started pouring out the table became more at ease and the night got started.

Dinner was great and our conversations about marriage, John and Aby {the Mr. & Mrs.}, children, pets, college, technology and careers all seemed to fall right into place. Table 5 had far more in common than we had imagined. Suddenly the table number seemed suitable and age appropriate. Aby {& God} knew the type of company that we needed that night. Grown up company with similar lives. All of the sudden table 5 became our identity and the night had whisked away! Fun, laughter, dancing, singing, Faith, hope, Love and new friendships in the making. It was all worth while.

All I could think was Thank God I didn't give up on that black size 14 pencil skirt and that I decided not to throw a full on tantrum. Otherwise we would have missed out...