{A lot of Faith} ♥

Yesterday my Sister said to me...."if it's meant to be then it will be."

So simple.

So true.

Truth.

Something I am SURE I have said to her many times or to others who are seeking. But, why is it so hard to accept that right now? I have faith that whatever is meant to be these days will be. I keep busy and fill my calendar. With my goals and my purpose. Not worrying too much about what everyone else has going on or where everyone else is in their journey of seeking, I have been there....and yes..most times...done that. Right now it's time for this Momma to seek in a different manner. Not only a Dream job but MY dream for the next 30 years and my family's future.

Years ago when I first met my Hubby I don't think I imagined my life to become, so full of LIFE. Our kids are a Blessing. Such an awesome Blessing, that at one point I didn't know if it would ever be possible to have children. At 32, I can honestly say that I have lived my life and accomplished almost everything that I have set my mind to do, small or big. Sometimes walking away from God, so far ahead that I have to stop myself and be reminded that He has been my strength. But, in the midst of it all I have never lost sight of His Love, His Wisdom and His words; which live deep inside my heart. Deep inside my soul. I knew of God as a kid, I didn't know God until I was 24. 24. I am  now 31, 32 in June. Those things, situations or circumstances that I thought were a priority then, now sit on the back burner.

I have found myself, in many dark corners and through many heartfelt and horribly shed tears. But, through it all I have remained. In faith. In light. And, open to the possibilities ahead. So, why is it so hard to accept where I am right now? In this quiet place. Still. Married to a great and supportive Man who yes...puts up with all my crazy antics and blog posts, Ha. Ha. A Momma of DOS very active, very hyper, somewhat spoiled {ok, very SPOILED}, tantrum throwing and demanding children who never use their inside voice and who consume my every being in the best way possible; who are teaching me patience and about using my inside voice. {True story; my son asked me not to SPEAK SO LOUDLY,or yell, at him and to instead speak to him in a calm inside voice....convinced that he would listen to me, I tried it and he still doesn't listen to me, boys... Oyi.}

Be still.

Waiting.

It's hard for me.

But, I have faith.

I remain.

God knows when and how. 

And, no matter how difficult it is to be still...I pray for His peace and patience while He works on my prayers which I know He has heard very loud, dramatically and clear. {I am an active pray-er!} Ha. God sees my heart. He knows my heart. And, I pray that He can hear my heart.... shouting out to Him. In every way possible.

Psalm 46:10

He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” 

{Update Ya' Monday!}

Don't mind if I do!!!

I had a really rough weekend..my Hubby is in transition from his OLD job to a HOPEFUL and awesome new career!!! SO, he is working. Lots. I dealt the whole weekend without him, no bueno... I know, I can be a little spoiled.

I was already stressed thinking about our Monday and the kids starting DAYCARE!!!! Yes, I know that word sends chills up my spine....BUT we have to trust not only in God that the kids will be ok but in people that they will care for them as if they were their own!

Until now I have been ever so Blessed and my Mother-in-law watches my DOS for me while the Hubby and I head to work every day... but guess what...she needs a little break too, so she went on vacation and it was a PERFECT opportunity for us to explore the world beyond...that and Santi had a Speech evaluation where it was suggested that he should start a Pre-K 3 program , so everything kinda really just fell into perfect place..like always!

Plus, this daycare is Christian based! They have Bible study hour which was my MOST favorite part of it all!

After the morning meltdowns on all parts, yes..this Momma and the Daddy had issues with leaving the kids this morning... everyone had tears in their eyes...every.one. Ha. But, I think the day will get  better, I checked on them and aside from Santi fighting the teacher on his diaper change, I think we are a GO! Makes this Momma heart happy and excited! My Cambam was doing awesome...as we thought she would...Santi is a stubborn lil'man and not one to like change very much.. I know he will be ok, it will just take a few days...weeks..or months... ha.

Oh yes! MY BLOG BUTTON/AD IS BEING RUN ON THE MOMMY MADE BLOG FOR THE MONTH OF JULY!!!!!  Excited!!!!

This will be a GREAT week I can feel it!!!!!

{Momma of Dos} ♥ ♥

I know I have said this before, but I didn't picture my life here. As a Momma and Wife. I knew maybe, one day God would Bless me with children, but I didn't know He would BLESS me with children. Becoming a Momma has been one of the most amazing, most rewarding, most beautiful Blessings that God has given me in this life. I don't think I have ever felt this way about any other "accomplishment" in my life.

I was an ambitious one. It runs through my veins I guess. I knew I wanted success and I was set out to get there. Until I started gaining "real world" success and I thought, this is nothing. There has to be more. Something better has to come. OH.BOY. Did it ever! The "MORE" was an almost 9 month "ordeal"{really ALMOST 9 months, but technically 8 months and 2 weeks.}. I mean I was creating life, it had to be grand right? I didn't feel grand, I was huge, in pain, swollen, I was on a diet for my Gestational Diabetes, I was, yep, PREGNANT!

I thought;"this will be good."

Then, September 16th came in 2009 and I was ready. Ready to meet this new little person, that by the grace of God I had grown in my belly. This new little man in my life. What would he look like? Who would he look like? What would he be like? ::and the tears build as I type:: The feelings build up as I think about it. What would he become? How big of a Blessing would he be?

Then he arrived.

His entrance. A memorable one. His first glance. Heart piercing. His first embrace. Like nothing I had ever, EVER felt before. Life. It was complete. It was an awe inspiring one. I didn't know what to do with myself. I knew I wanted to spend every waking moment with him. I knew I didn't want to sleep so I could watch him sleep. I knew. That the "MORE", was being a Momma.

God gave me many failed opportunities at being of this world. At becoming a "supervisor" in my worldly jobs. Every time, I was so disappointed. I was so devastated. I was a failure.

Then, I become a Momma and NOTHING. ELSE. MATTERED. EVER. AGAIN. My success, my accomplishment was living.

Then came 2011. The success was magnified even more. Not only would God have allowed me (had trusted me, had specifically chosen me) to live through one amazing moment, but DOS. Her pregnancy was so much easier. I knew what to except and planned for it. It wasn't so bad. I gained less weight, was not so sick and was used to the meal plan. Her birth. Just like her, dramatic but sweet. {Oh you haven't met Cami? That girl is some drama! Ha. But she is also my sweet little feisty one.}

These days I share giggles and prayers with them. And that Supervisor job..I have it... times TEN. I don't mind it. God knows I can handle it. Is it perfect? Never. Is it awesome? Absolutely. Am I accomplished? I am Blessed beyond my wildest dreams.

Being this Momma of Dos is molding me into the Momma that my Dos will need as they grow through this world and attempt at their own failed accomplishments until they too find their way.....

Just because I am happy doesn't mean I am perfect. God didn't create this life to be easy but to be lived. With peace. Happy and in Love. With Faith and hope. Above all with Jesus as the center of our families. I pray that God is in our home and that He will guide this Momma into the Blessing that my children need as they mature into the people that God has them planned to be.

I didn't plan this path but I chose to follow it with all my heart no matter what or where it leads me for Him and for them....

And, life has NEVER been the same.... or better than where I am now... ever....

{This post is part of my Identity Series with the previous posts ::HERE::. Inspired by one beautiful Momma named Vanessa over at DE SU MAMA. By the way; Huge CONGRATS to her and her beautiful family!!! She just had a handsome little gentleman named, Sebastian Richard!!!!}

{When all you have is prayer....} ♥

My hearts been a little heavy lately. For many personal reasons right now. The enemy is trying to chip away at my desperate little heart. The enemy doesn't know though that God is fighting this inner battle for me and nothing stands a chance against Him!  

For a while I did really well.

That feeling of belonging was coming back to life. Change happened and everything was well; short of amazing.

Then for weeks..months...that feeling came back...you know the ONE...irrelevance. Silence. Sadness. The sense that you just don't belong. That place where you can no longer sit still and life just begs you for change.

Because there is a better place out there for you. Maybe. Maybe?

I look around and everything is in place. Smiles. Happiness. Belonging. Then my heart yells but WHY? And in the words of the ever so famous and  horribly spoken, Dane Cook, WHY NOT ME?

And, the whisper tells me..."why not YOU? You are here for a reason with a purpose on a mission. I never told you I would make this easy, that life would be easy, that your life would be set and perfect. Never. Following Me is NOT meant to be easy, and spelled out for you. Following Me means trusting without seeing what I have in store for you. "

But it's difficult. To wait. To hold my breath. To sit in this irrelevance. To wait. To hold my breath. It's been a while. When I think back..it's been a long while. The irrelevance sits, in every corner of my heart and marinates until I can't hold it in any longer.

"Do you hear yourself Connie?"

Every time things get bad you want to bail.

Here is the thing {and I am simply sharing, no need to feel bad for me, that time is over..this here is menial}..for 10 years I stood in the storm. Faced it head on. I was 14 the first time I heard my Mother sob. The abuse. The knowledge. The pain. The tears. The struggles. I lived it. My Husband has been my Knight in shinning armor. He came "swooped" me up and shook me to wake up and to grow up! God gave me strength, motivation and hope. To move forward, to protect, to love, to forgive. I did. I have. I am in new place.

James 1:12 {Amplified Bible}

¹²Blessed (happy, ^[a]to be envied) is the man who is patient under trial and stands up under temptation, for when he has stood the test and been approved, he will receive [the victor's] crown of life which God has promised to those who love Him.

I thought that was hell, everything else should, would and could be easier. Right? Then the enemy settles in my mind and heart that lie. The lie of irrelevance.

The place where hope fails and I feel like a failure.

All those years, of building and growth. For what? For who?

Why not ME?  And I sit. In prayer.

Alone. Thinking. Tears.

Heart open and Bible in place.

God is here. He has ALREADY won this battle.

And prayer is all I have....

Prayer.