::Cami:: 4 years of Blessings...

{Birthday Letters are kind of a big deal for us, you can read the yearly series ::HERE::}

When God blesses you, it's always to the fullest. Santiago was only 10 1/2 months when I found out I would be a Momma again. I cried, in fear. Another baby. I couldn't possibly do it. My plate was "so full" already. Months later we found out we were having a Girl. Oh boy. The tears were new. Happy. Blessed. Joyous. My heart was full now. Our family complete. Our lives made new. Never would I have thought that I would have the amazing little Princess Diva that runs our house today.

A letter to my daughter on what the last 4 years with her have been about and who she is today:

::Dear Camila::

Today you turn 4. You act like you are 13 year olds and talk for days. You love to dance. You make the silliest of faces. Your favorite things are dancing to Bruno Mars-Uptown Funk You Up and Maroon 5-Sugar; as well as making your brothers life impossible. It's good, keeps him on his toes. He is rough and you guys fight a lot but he loves you so much. And, you admire him. I pray this continues. 

When you throw fits {and oh my do you throw fits} he is the one that helps calm you. It works sometimes. He does his best. You love wearing makeup, dressing up and nail polish {lots and tons of nail polish, in every shade of pink}. You asked just this week if you can dye your hair pink. Don't know where you get all of this from but it makes for interesting days, and it keeps me on my toes. You are very girly. Very. 

You love dresses. But you also love dirt. You are super sweet, caring and sensitive. But, you can also be feisty and tough. You speak "Spanish" when you want {it's usually a cuss word or something you shouldn't be saying. Totally our fault.} and claim that your Brother is SO Mexican. Not sure what that makes you. 

You love everything Princess and you act like one too. You love your GranPa Chuy. You love your teacher and you even wear your sweater around your waist like her. It's hard to see you in pain or when you are sick, because you are so tiny. The last 4 years have flown by. You are no longer my chubby little baby, you are now my skinny long leg baby. 

You finally, yes barely {no judgement please}, moved on from your "titi" and are now a "big gurl" and drink from a Sippy. It took me a long time to allow you to let go. I had to. You look crazy with a bottle. 

You have the funnest dance moves, you care very little about what others may think of you and you are most definitely yourself. I don't ever want you to think that you can't be yourself. I want you to know that you should above all love who you were created to be. I want your confidence to grow, I want your little wings to give you the energy needed to be who ever you want to be. I want you to follow your dreams. Never allow others to tell you otherwise. Be yourself. 

You are stubborn. A lot. You want things done your way. You are competitive. And, you are outspoken and not shy. I don't want that to change. But, I do want you to use your personality for the better, for your own well-being and to become a strong, confident grown-up. 

The last 4 years have been a heart-filled life lesson and one of the biggest blessings God could give us . The light and colors that you bring into our lives shine brighter everyday. I pray that you continue to shine. That your smile grows and remains, that your heart is soft but your eyes wide open. Don't be naive to the world around you. You are smarter than that. Don't go with the flow just because, have a purpose and reason.  

Your laugh is contagious. You are our little baby no matter what. And, always will be. We love you. So much. Much more than you can ever imagine. I know that right now, you don't like that I have so many rules, that I am constantly watching what you do. Or, that I might push you to try even though you want to give up. You will thank me later in life. I hope. 

You are everything we could have ever wanted in a perfect little Princess baby. And so much more. 

God has filled our home with amazing love.  {You and your Brother are the life of this place..without you we would be nobody.}

Love you ALWAYS so much more, 

Your Momma

::My 5 year Old Son:: Santi's Birthday Letter

On September 16th...5 years ago after about 24 hours of awesomely painful labor my life created a full circle. Our Son was born. This is his yearly birthday letter. {for more on Santi's Birth-story click ::HERE::}

My Beautiful Baby Santiago,

On this day, I love you, I cherish you and I am so thankful for you. I cannot believe that you are 5 years old, it was only yesterday that you were a tiny chubby baby cuddled into my arms in a hospital bed. Your tiny heart beating with mine, your tiny hands and feet so soft and precious. You were a baby.

Today, you are a handsome little, eye rolling, back talking 5 year old with so much attitude. Talk about a personality. None of this is meant out of ill feelings; you are only 5 and still learning your ways, and yes you are a little stubborn. A little spoiled. And, know very well what you want.

But you know what? We love that about you.

You don't allow anyone to push you around or tell you what to do but you are also respectful and kind when needed. If you do feel pushed around you are quick to let us know that we are being "mean" or your new word, being "bullies". 

You are smart and imaginative. Creative and a story teller. You love to dress up in anything "Mexican" like your GranPa Chuy's black sombrero and anything "Super-Pee-Row" related.

You know your Bible stories and can tell them to us in one breath and as if they all happened at once. You pray for us all every morning, especially for GranPa Chuy and his missing teeth. {sorry but they are still missing}. Your prayers are usually so thought-filled and genuine, always far more than I except. 

When you want to be, you are the absolute best older Brother, protecting and caring for your "Sis-der". She loves you so much. To her you are the best in the world, no matter what.

You are my warrior, my strength, my courage. You live life on the edge, as much as  a 5 year old can. You live life to the fullest. It's contagious. We admire that about you. You never have a bad day and even when you do, you manage to turn it around or simply fall asleep.

You are full of energy and light. Your heart is pure and growing healthy and strong. You have no real fears, except for cockroaches. Those you hate.

You are playing soccer {or "staulker" as you call it} this year and even though on most days you claim to be "scared" of it only because you want to rush home to your I-Pad {which is really mine} to watch YouTube videos! But, no matter what you end up giving it your all and loving it every time we go to practice. You are like this about most things...all or nothing. 

Some days you are all about the "feelings" and everything we say causes you to cry, other days you have the attitude of a teenager. As your parents we are learning with you. How to care for you, how to love you and how to be there for you. You are at times more patient than us. 

You love pizza like the Ninja Turtles. Right now you want to go see the Boxtrolls even though no other kid your age or adult knows what that is! You love watching cartoons and playing with ALL your toys at once. Yes, fun times, our house looks like a toy store blew up, every.single.day.

You have a great imagination and can create a whole war in a matter of minutes on the living room floor or play a businessman who has very important work to do and just cannot be bothered.

You have a pretty awesome life, and so many people love you. I hope that you never forget that. I pray that you can appreciate those people who are in your life and who have been there for us from day one. 

One of your favorite people in this world is your cousin, Olin. You love to dance and your "body just moves on it's own", especially when the telenovela theme songs come on. Your dance moves, well they are pretty awesome and I think.....you get it from yo'momma! 

You are amazing. You are beautiful and you are and will forever be our baby. Until you get too old and have to move out of the house..just sayin'... 

Happy Birthday!!!! 

We love you more than words.

Momma, Daddy, & Cami

{On having Numero Tres....A KINDA of a Sequel post}

Life as a family of four is just starting to sync up. The stars are beginning to align and I am steps away from the heavens opening up and God saying... "Connie you are awesome!"

And, on days when my kids are being sweet, playing nice and loving their Momma.... I feel like a Super Momma! And I think ...bring it on baby numero tres!

Then there are moments when my kids are punching each other under the kitchen table and yelling bloody murder as I attempt to have a decent grown up conversation with my Hubby about his day and my day with the beautiful kids fighting to the death at our feet. Seriously. Who knew a 19 month could karate chop and that a 3 year old would use his almighty strength to sucker punch his sister in the face. Really. Wow. {trust me. they are both very tough. no one is ever seriously injured. once they hurt each others feelings they hug and make nice.}

Trust me. I don't feel like a new baby is in order when I am trying to eat, read, sit, watch T.V. or doing anything normal and relaxing and both of my kids are calling my name 30 {million} times, cause they know my name and it's "hello. mami. hello. connie. look at me, mami.", when I finally turn they are doing some obscure thing like cutting paper or dumping their diaper on the kitchen floor right.after.I.mopped. Because they do. It's my life.

And then. There are times.Where Santi sits for moments at a time playing, watching his movies, coloring on my walls.... Ha. But, it's as if he is out growing the I want to be all over the house and destroy era. As for Cami, when her brother is not around and they are not pushing, pulling and punching one another, she also has a realm of calm and peace like no other. I look at them hug and kiss each other, play together in peace because it does tend to happen, occasionally. Or when they come to me with hugs and kisses. When they say "love you too mami." or pray with me. It just feels right. It just seems like yes, we will be OK and a third baby...may mean more chaos but it will also multiply ALL of the LOVE and Blessings already in our home.

I know that them being little won't last forever and Santi and Cami are growing faster than I would like.  I just don't know how to make time stop. How to make more time to love, hug and live in peace.

My Hubby has this fantasy {have you seen the Prince of Persia? Or Legends of the Fall? that one has 3 boys but yeah, it's his thing.} that he is destined to have TWO sons. So, he thinks that if I get pregnant, we WILL have another boy and his name will be....Sebastian. It's who he claims we are missing. And, he's taught the kids to ask me.... "Mom where's Sebastian?" And, it totally melts my heart....

Source: Google {Prince of Persia/Disney}

When Ricardo and I first got married we said 3 was a well rounded number but these days we think of finances, education, sanity...HA. And, most days we simply think of God, Faith and Family. The notion that everything WILL be OK, and that God wants this for us... but I hesitate. I think about it and I wonder.....

Could I? Could we? But, how? And, right now... I just don't know. 

{Momma of Dos} ♥ ♥

I know I have said this before, but I didn't picture my life here. As a Momma and Wife. I knew maybe, one day God would Bless me with children, but I didn't know He would BLESS me with children. Becoming a Momma has been one of the most amazing, most rewarding, most beautiful Blessings that God has given me in this life. I don't think I have ever felt this way about any other "accomplishment" in my life.

I was an ambitious one. It runs through my veins I guess. I knew I wanted success and I was set out to get there. Until I started gaining "real world" success and I thought, this is nothing. There has to be more. Something better has to come. OH.BOY. Did it ever! The "MORE" was an almost 9 month "ordeal"{really ALMOST 9 months, but technically 8 months and 2 weeks.}. I mean I was creating life, it had to be grand right? I didn't feel grand, I was huge, in pain, swollen, I was on a diet for my Gestational Diabetes, I was, yep, PREGNANT!

I thought;"this will be good."

Then, September 16th came in 2009 and I was ready. Ready to meet this new little person, that by the grace of God I had grown in my belly. This new little man in my life. What would he look like? Who would he look like? What would he be like? ::and the tears build as I type:: The feelings build up as I think about it. What would he become? How big of a Blessing would he be?

Then he arrived.

His entrance. A memorable one. His first glance. Heart piercing. His first embrace. Like nothing I had ever, EVER felt before. Life. It was complete. It was an awe inspiring one. I didn't know what to do with myself. I knew I wanted to spend every waking moment with him. I knew I didn't want to sleep so I could watch him sleep. I knew. That the "MORE", was being a Momma.

God gave me many failed opportunities at being of this world. At becoming a "supervisor" in my worldly jobs. Every time, I was so disappointed. I was so devastated. I was a failure.

Then, I become a Momma and NOTHING. ELSE. MATTERED. EVER. AGAIN. My success, my accomplishment was living.

Then came 2011. The success was magnified even more. Not only would God have allowed me (had trusted me, had specifically chosen me) to live through one amazing moment, but DOS. Her pregnancy was so much easier. I knew what to except and planned for it. It wasn't so bad. I gained less weight, was not so sick and was used to the meal plan. Her birth. Just like her, dramatic but sweet. {Oh you haven't met Cami? That girl is some drama! Ha. But she is also my sweet little feisty one.}

These days I share giggles and prayers with them. And that Supervisor job..I have it... times TEN. I don't mind it. God knows I can handle it. Is it perfect? Never. Is it awesome? Absolutely. Am I accomplished? I am Blessed beyond my wildest dreams.

Being this Momma of Dos is molding me into the Momma that my Dos will need as they grow through this world and attempt at their own failed accomplishments until they too find their way.....

Just because I am happy doesn't mean I am perfect. God didn't create this life to be easy but to be lived. With peace. Happy and in Love. With Faith and hope. Above all with Jesus as the center of our families. I pray that God is in our home and that He will guide this Momma into the Blessing that my children need as they mature into the people that God has them planned to be.

I didn't plan this path but I chose to follow it with all my heart no matter what or where it leads me for Him and for them....

And, life has NEVER been the same.... or better than where I am now... ever....

{This post is part of my Identity Series with the previous posts ::HERE::. Inspired by one beautiful Momma named Vanessa over at DE SU MAMA. By the way; Huge CONGRATS to her and her beautiful family!!! She just had a handsome little gentleman named, Sebastian Richard!!!!}

C-section vs. V-section?

Ok, there is no "V-section". And, for all you C-section enthusiast this may not be the post to read.

I am here to tell you the evilness of a C-section, per my experience.

It's true. It's not natural. And, there is a reason why having your children "naturally" is called just that.

This was, as you may or may not know, my second C-section. If it weren't for the mere fact that having a C-section has totally ruined having children for me, I would happily be telling you that I can't wait to do it all over again. Unfortunately as happy and enthusiastic as I was to be pregnant once more, a final time if you will. I don't feel that way anymore. With my son, I ignored the pain and pushed past it quite quickly, probably because my husband was there to help me cope, he was laid off at the time and spent my 7 weeks of recovery with me. It was heaven.

This time. I have had the pleasure of meeting torture. Literally from the inside out. To think that one can mess with nature and "play God" if you will is evil. The doctor follows a procedure and invades not only your personal space but destroys your soul from the the inside out. How can they think that messing with someones uterus and "woman-hood" only has "temporary effects", when in reality they have lasting devastating soul wrenching outcomes. I stood in my shower at home, feeling; invaded...violated if you will. Yes. It's that bad.

I prayed day in and day out for 5 days, so that God could heal my physical and spiritual wounds. He is still working, on both. I can sit and cry about it all day. Instead, I pray. I Thank God, for my husband, who knows, and at night simply says..."Connie, I love you."....tears don't flow anymore, they are just there.

I once had a dream that I would have 3 beautiful children all born "naturally", with a Douala and no pain medication. My reality has been so far from that, it's not even funny. I lay in a sterile room restrained to a table while people of all sorts cut, probe and stare. It's not what I envisioned when birthing came to mind but it's been my destiny. I am now recovering. I feel better. Physically some set backs. Emotionally coping. Those beautiful round soft cheeks and pastel pinks help you deal with all the pain. My children are both very much worth it.  I am more than Thankful to be able to become pregnant and to have been able to have 2 children by the age of 30. It's been my calling for many years...to be a Momma.

Now the question. Would I? Can I? Do it again?... sure..but not now...maybe in 3 or 4 years if that's God's will. My husband and I have a vision and we envision 3 beautiful children. If God allow us. We will one day be there. 

For now, I have no regrets. I love BOTH my children, with ALL of my heart and soul. I love being a Momma of Dos. I wouldn't change it for the world. What I do pray for is that my third time, I am able to birth my child naturally, which is why I am hoping to wait the 3 or 4 years.

For all you Momma's; what has been your experience; Natural or C-section? 

Mine has been a Heart-section. God has asked me to deal with pain in a special way and to have Faith. This experience has allowed me growth and patience. Faith and Love. I seek Him every morning, the way I should regardless of a C-section or not. I seek Him. He is with me. I have Faith.

Aside from God, he has provided me with the best support system as well. My Husband, number one. My Mom and Sister and my husband's Mom, Sister, Cousins and Aunt. Have all played an very important role, from a simple phone call to spending days in and days out with me. It helps. My husband is such a strong person in my life, he is my rock and without him, nothing in my life would be complete. He has been there for me regardless of his own stress right now. I love him and Thank God for him.

I hope that no one would have to go through the pain and aches that my heart and soul have felt while trying to make the best of the most beautiful experience God has given us, becoming a Momma. But, if you do, I pray that you will seek God and that he will provide you with Faith and strength and surround you with Love the way he has done with me. 
 

Santiago’s Journey. {Sept 2009}

{This Blog Post is from Nov 2009; after the birth of my son, BUT STILL VERY ACCURATE!}

It has been about 2 months since my last entry.

As you may have guessed I had my baby, Santiago Isaias. He is amazing and I want to share with the world what it has been like…the best way to introduce him is with his journey into this world….

First, I found a blog which I never posted from 9/4/09; it was pretty relevant at the time and could be an intro to what was to come…

[“Near the end”
Or so they say.

Since Sunday I have felt "uncomfortable", despite the promises made by the doctor’s office; "If you feel like something is just not right you call us!" I have not heard back from them in 2 days!

I went to my routine monitoring and ultrasound this week but was only left with more questions. At this point, I feel like the confusion is not helpful. But, I will have no other choice than to wait and see.

I have been feeling a bit overwhelmed and can't wait to leave work in a week. I have so much to do at home.]

And it ends… not sure where I was going with that but I know I was in utter despair and completely exhausted.  It’s true what EVERYONE says… when you come to the “end” it feels eternal!!!

The last couple of weeks, which really were NOT the last couple of weeks, because I was delivered 3 weeks early, but to me they were the much NEEDED last weeks… I could not have waited until October 9th to deliver and honestly as I told my husband and friends…neither could Santiago. He was ready, I knew it and he knew it. And thank GOD, my doctor knew it!

WITH THAT SAID….

It ALL started on Friday September 11, I had what would be my second to last doctor’s visit. I went in for a regular visit awaiting my last day at work which would be on Monday September 14th. But, with all the anxiety of getting it all over with and having my baby in my arms, I think I made myself sick! I had high blood pressure, excessive protein in my urine which was causing excessive and painful retaining of fluid which led to swelling. Once the doctor confirmed all of the above she simply stated “I want you on bed rest as of today.” I thought…impossible, I have one more week until I am induced and I need and have so much to do. But, she prohibited me from going back to work that day and from leaving my house except to see her or to go to the hospital IF I should go into labor. She ordered me to go home and to come back to see her for further monitoring on Monday with a 100% chance of being induced on Tuesday or Wednesday and an 80% chance of having a c-section, everything one week ahead of schedule.

For those of you who don’t know, I was already scheduled to be induced due to my gestational diabetes on the 21st of September but now I had further complications and everything was being moved up ONE WEEK!

Panic and anxiety came over me. Not about the delivery or my health or Santiago’s BUT I HAD SOOO MUCH TO DO! Everything else God was in control.  Relentless and worried I went to work to pick up some things and give my boss the notice that I had to be confined to a bed for the next 5 or 6 days, and then back  home.

The weekend passed and Monday was here.

I walked into my doctors office with a about a liter of urine, for protein sampling! Gave it to the nurse, had some blood draw and vitals taken. With that done it was more bad news, everything was still elevated and now I was looking to be induced as soon as the next day if a room was available. By the end of my visit around 10 am the OB/GYN coordinator and the doctor came rushing to me with smiles, "You are being admitted tomorrow night at 8pm."

The next day and half went by fast, after a mad dash for the finish line I was ready! With my bag was packed, my home as baby ready as it could be and “READY” physically, emotionally, and mentally we headed out. I wasn’t scared, just anxious and excited.


Picture taken by our good friend Buritica

{Tuesday September 15th 2009}

As we walked out, our good friend Ricardo B. took the final picture of us as a couple, we would return as a threesome..Lol. A “real family”, baby and all.  The ride to the hospital was peace. For a while, no words, just our hearts beating through our throats, louder than the cars and noise outside. Ricardo and I drove the 25 minute drive to the hospital almost silent, only expressing that we were scared as we held hands and prayed. Suddenly the sky was beautiful and the trees were greener than ever. We drove up to the hospital searched for the Labor and Delivery parking lot and parked.

We gathered our things and began the walk up to the hospital, along the way from the parking lot a couple with three children walked passed us, looking at me with my belly and bags in hand the lady turned to us and said

“Felicidades y Buena Suerte.” (Congratulations and Good Luck!)

With deep breaths and nervous smiles Ricardo and I said “Gracias”.

Not knowing what was to come we walked into the quiet lobby and up to the volunteer desk attendant. An older man in a red vest, “Can I help you?” I said, “Yes, I am here to be admitted into labor and delivery.” Being that he was a bit old he looked at me and said, “Oh let me call them and make sure.” He looked for the number, called and spoke to the nurse “A young lady is here to be admitted”, he then said “Oh they are waiting for you.” He gave us the most confusing instructions on how to get to the 5th floor labor and delivery area. Ricardo and I then walked to the elevators and up to the 5th floor, down the hall and to the registration desk. A nurse and patient account representative were waiting for us to begin all the paper work needed to have a baby. It was insane.  Not the paper work, but I was there to have A BABY!

After that I was taken to my room and instructed to strip down and dress in the usual blue hospital gown. The excitement and nerves were no longer there…I was simply living it.

One nurse came in and started the preparation process, an IV, some blood work, preventative medications, medical instructions and questions..lots of questions. The room was filled with medical equipment for both baby and myself, I felt like a lab rat. Being probed and poked to assure accuracy and quality of the highly anticipated experiment…LIFE! Buawhahahaha!

Then another nurse came in asking if I could donate the baby Blood Cord supply…lots more questions and poking.  About an hour after my arrival at around 8:45pm, the nurse walked up to me and said "ok, I am going to give you the medicine to induce you."

At this point everything, everything became so overwhelming and emotional. Was I really here, was everything ok after all those questions and tubes of blood, could Santiago make it out ok and if so would he be healthy and would I be ok? So much could go wrong, so much could happen. I was so emotional during my entire pregnancy and so much had gone on in such short amount of time that about 2 hours after I was induced I actually broke down. The nurse walked in and stated that because my blood sugar and blood pressure was so elevated I had to be further  be confined to my hospital bed on extreme medications and monitors.

I wanted to have a natural delivery with more than traditional methods and a Doula.

The nurse stated though that the only thing I could  do was lay there in bed, I would get a catheter and medications that caused me to be drowsy, so no more getting up to the restroom and my blood sugar would be taken every hour as well as my blood pressure. I didn’t and couldn’t believe that after all I had read and learned I would be having the most medically induced labor and delivery! Tears, snot, chills, sweats, disappointment, horrible uncontrollable feelings filled and took over my body. I had prepared for 9 months to have Santiago naturally, calmly, with my family and at his own time. But, from my arrival at the hospital so much was already wrong with me that I was immediately brought back to reality.

For the next 24 hours I was not only confined to a bed but probed, poked and attached to so much that a “normal or natural” delivery had been throw out the window long before it even had a chance to squeeze in. I cried, uncontrollably for about 5 minutes, my mom and Ricardo attempting to console me as I slowly regained composure. With all my Faith and prayer throughout the night I accepted anything and everything that was to come not for me, but for Santiago. He was all that mattered now. This life was no longer about me.



I was told that the drug given initially was less intense than what would come the following morning. Still all night I had cramps and irrepressible discomfort. Needless to say the night was not only uncomfortable and painful but sleepless as well. Yet the nurses somehow kept repeating that I should rest. It’s easier said than done.

Come 6 am, a new nurse, more medications, more needles and more blood work and the worse pain I have yet to feel. The breaking of my water and more contractions.

{Wednesday September 16th, 2009}

So, the new nurse was not only intense and unruly she was also very adamant about me having my baby as soon as possible. That didn’t make me mad, trust me, I wanted it all to be over as fast as possible as well. Because, despite the fact that the overnight contractions had been mild, they were still painful. And, now they were beginning to get stronger, closer and lasted longer. All signs that labor was well on its way. The morning hours seemed to become eternal as I waited for my OB/GYN to show her shining face at 8:30 am and break my water!

My morning seemed more painful than my night because the new nurse was all about changing positions while in bed!  Which would have made for a much more comfortable experience had I not been attached to every tube and needle in the hospital!  

So, I gracefully went with it, quietly and in pain waiting for that doctor to make my day…or so I thought!

And as planned and on time, unlike a doctor, at around 8:30 am, the much awaited and dreaded moment, Dr. Diase, came in to break my water. Probably the most pain I have ever been in, in my life. With no pain medication in my system, wanting to make the experience as natural as I could (laughing), I took some deep breaths and with fear and tears I got through it. Buckets of water poured out of me, as it was expected. After all I had been retaining excess fluid in every part of my lower extremities for about 2 weeks now caused by the Gestational Diabetes.  Swollen legs and feet, as well as an 8 lbs weight gain at the end of my pregnancy put me at about 200lbs at time of delivery; I calculate that about 20 of those pounds came gushing out onto that bed as water. After lots of pressure, a warm feeling; like when you wet the bed in your sleep as a child, comfortable and a sense of relief, the water was broken! It was only “a matter of hours” before the baby would be here. I should have started dilating pretty quickly and in no time we would be ready to push. 

Most of that day and all the “checkups” for lack of better words, are thankfully a blur.  I do remember lots of pain, lots of awkward breathing and everyone reminding me of the fact that there was pain medicine, as my family continued to fill the room and crowd over me. No embarrassment was felt because the pain overshadowed it. The day was long and all I wanted was to deliver.

The contractions felt as if my little man was making his own way out of my womb with some kind of invisible crafting knife he got for Christmas and my patience was quickly running out. No longer happy to be in the situation I remember being annoyed by my husband’s voice with his reassuring comments and comforting touch. I wanted to slash his neck and pull out his kidneys so that he knew what I was going through. Again, all else is a blur (because it’s true once you deliver you forget it all!).

It was now about 6pm, and I had been in labor for about “oh a mere 22 hours or so” of which the last 10 had been pretty intense to say the least. And before the doctor came back to check on me, I decided that at that point, I was done. I need the good stuff and I don’t mean illicit drugs, I mean the really good stuff! Immediate relief and a real walk on the clouds came for the next 24 hours; numb, no feelings, all was pink and fluffy bunnies and the answer to all my problems was “YES”.  True this landed me in the least and far from natural experience of labor and delivery but I had to, I love my son but enough was enough. And without knowing what was to come or how much longer Santiago could torture his mother, I did it. I had to do it, “they” told me to do it. I had become a sellout, a less than woman, and half bread if you will, with no regards to the possible side effects of what all that medication could cause my unborn child or me. But, the pain was so intense I could have yanked my eyes out and thrown then at the doctor. But, with a couple of deep breaths and long pointy needle to my spine, all gone! I wouldn’t practice my self-control, reach my happy place or have controlled breathing sessions with the hubby but you know what NO MATTER how I DID IT…I did it!

At around 6:30 maybe 7, the doctor came into my room to check on my “progress”. She really is a sweet woman, tall, thin and with two little ones of her own. After my epidural she could have chopped off my finger one by one and I would have loved her just the same. She didn’t….the verdict? Well, after 24 hours of labor I had dilated to about a 6, maybe a 7! If you are a woman with children…now is when you gasp for air and feel not only pity for me but utter understanding. A “Bless your heart” is in order.

What did this mean…in short….I was getting NO WHERE! After my water had been broken I should have dilated about a centimeter an hour but it had been almost 12 hours, you do the math. After all that pain all I could think was “ARE YOU KIDDING ME!” The doctor then went on to say… “The baby is head down but face down in the birth canal (baby’s should be face up when they are delivered, for their safety), so he is no longer safe to come out this way!”…ooohhh did I mention that only 30 minutes before I had decided to get my epidural, do we remember that, yeah well! The doctor then decided that they would attempt to “manually”, yes manually flip the baby around. At this point my legs were like noodles and my body was exhausted. And, as all the nurse power prepared to perform this process, they also quickly realized that at 200lbs and pumped full of epidural I was not gonna budge. (By the way, I had been at the hospital so long I had now gone through almost FOUR shift changes! Not even noticing when the last one had left, the current nurse was also pregnant and by the looks of it…she could have had her baby before me and with my luck she would have shoved me off the bed and said “blop” here is my baby HAHA! And run off…end scene).

By this time things began to go completely downhill, I started to feel really cold and began to tremble beyond control. I started feeling a burning sensation all over and the nurses and doctors quickly brought in an anesthesiologist, my worst nightmare was occurring, my epidural was running out. I was starting to feel pain again, God forbid and I just wanted this to end. The nurses stopped trying to move me and covered me in blankets. Then the doctor uttered those fearful words, subconsciously I had wished she said them hours before, “Emergency C-section”, they were heaven sent.

A new phase, we now had to wait, there were THREE, THREE other “Emergency C-sections” ahead of me so it was now about 8pm. The medical staff at one very busy maternity ward had exhausted all possibilities with me and as if planned everything had NOT turned out exactly as I imagined or as naturally as I would have wished BUT now after 24 hours of labor, I was steps away from being a mommy! At last.



Then after about an hour of waiting (now 9pm) the doctor came in, “ohhp, we have a cancelled C-section and you are next.” (Always with a smile, she really is sweet and I always felt as if she sympathized with my pain and waiting.) I was in and out of my own little madness caused by the epidural so I vaguely remember that trip to the OR; I know I was prepped and reeled into surgery. I remember being placed on the surgery bed, being told the process that I would go through, and being asked questions. Then after about 20 minutes of being told that there was cutting and lots of pressure going on the doctor said “ok, we are ready for dad.”  

This meant they had cut through all the layers of fat, past scar tissue from my previous surgeries, into my uterus and were ready to detach that life that for the last 9 months had depended solemnly on my body. There would be no more monthly visits to the doctor’s office to hear our baby’s heart beat through my belly. No more prenatal checkups or testing. No more classes to be taken in preparation for our big day. The baby showers were REALLY over this time. {Ha.} The anticipation of WHEN, was NOW. No more wondering what or who he really looked liked, despite the doctors and nurses attempts to say he looked like his father in those blurry black and white pictures. No more weekly ultrasounds and monitoring where Ricardo would sit in a big comfy chair watch “Regis and Kelly” or “the View” and pass out while I sat strapped to machines listening attentively to assure that Santiago’s heart is beating and his movements are consistent. No more late night belly talks, prayers, tears or fears that he wouldn’t make it this far. His kicks through my stretched skin which reassured me every time I felt sick or overwhelmed will now be felt with full force (not that they weren’t before!) with his tiny feet in the flesh. Those sleepless nights, that I complained so much about, when his butt or head were wedge up against my lungs or kicks and punches caused my bladder to explode, would end here. Now when we lay in bed, thinking “what is he doing?!” we will know! No more nausea and heartburn supposedly caused by his hairy little head. This was it.

During the surgery the anesthesiologist asked me if I could feel anything, and at some point he would give his magic wand a pump and tah-dah, pain no more.

Ricardo finally appeared through those OR double doors, camera in hand, and wearing those blue paper scrubs and face mask, for those of you who know my husband, he is easily grossed out and very scared of this type of situation. I could through my daze sense his fear and could almost hear his body tremble and shut down in disbelief.  As I laid there, loopy and split open like a dissected lizard ready to become a mom, Ricardo clenched to the camera as if it were going to erase the experience and send us forward (or backward) 10 years, the moment was here. After only minutes of tugging, pulling and pushing (the doctors, not me!) at about 9:27pm…those words…the culmination of 9 months, “Wow, he’s a big BOY!…A really big boy!” and then through gurgling cries, the sound of water being pumped out of his mouth, then louder cries…MY SON…Santiago Isaias Gomez, he was here, in this world, ready to be loved and seen. His arrival was short of spectacular and he sure knows how to build up the anticipation causing so much suspense and yes, DRAMA! (If you know him now…he is not patient and he will bring on the drama if need be!)

For several minutes all I could hear was shuffling around, lots of tennis shoes speedily getting my baby cleaned, weighed, checked, wrapped and ready to be loved, the doctor had allowed my husband to cross into the OR and take pictures and seconds seemed like years! Finally HE emerged from behind the blue curtain a bundle with a little puffy, chalk white face his body wrapped in the usual hospital receiving blanket like a glow worm and his head covered with a tiny pink and blue beanie.

He was in my eyes perfect and best of all HEALTHY!

Because I was delivered so early the thought was that he would not be coming home with us and would have to be in the NICU for about 1 week to make sure his lungs were fully developed but by the looks and sounds of everything he was perfectly healthy. I had never worried about this, because I knew that God would not make us wait any longer to start our lives together. With tears in his eyes and the sound of his heart beating through his throat, his hands still trembling, not sure of what we just did, Ricardo with a cracking voice and a smile on his face said, “You wanna giv’em a kiss?” He brought him near and with the bit of strength left in my body I shed some tears, kissed my baby and passed out for the remaining of the procedure on the surgery table! I was EXHAUSTED and anxious to feel better. As I began to shake uncontrollably again and was prepped to go to the recovery area all I can remember is the exhaustion.

What I know is that Ricardo ran that victory lap with Santiago as they were photographed more than Jon and Kate on their worse days. The hall was filled with paparazzi aka my family. I was reeled off to recovery and later visited by Ricardo and my parents. All I knew was that this part….was over. (It makes me tear up thinking about it all over again.)…. It was a looooooong journey! Very trying BUT YES….SOOOOOOOOOOO WORTH IT!



And it’s not true that you forget about it all once the baby is here….well at least not in my case.  Yes the last 9 months had been erased but those last 24 hours still very vivid in my failing mind and worn out body.  But now, I had to be stronger than before, recuperate and move forward, there was now a beautiful baby boy to care for! And again…my child is not very patient! 

After this around maybe uhm 11:30pm or midnight I was taken to my hospital room and formally introduced to my son.  And then….a whole new me emerged. The nurse asked if he should take Santiago to the nursery to which I wanted to say "are you crazy lady didn’t you just see them rip this child from my body and now want me to let him go…uhmmm no!" He was almost immediately attached to my breast for the feeding and diapers and tears started flying everywhere!

We were to remain in the hospital for the next three days, filled with lots of getting used to, lots of visits and frustration. The next day after my delivery I was forced to stand up and get out of bed, when I made it over to the mirror all I could think was “I look horrible and I feel like a train just ran me over, stopped and said oh wait I missed a spot…and then backed up and ran me over again.” My body was limp, my insides where sore, my soul had been lifted and I felt as if I were having an outer body experience. Is it hard and painful to have a baby? HECK YES! Is it worth it and would I do it again? If GOD allows me to…In a heartbeat!  Not soon though! Not soon.

Thank you to EVERYONE who not only made this last year an awesome one but also put up with my pregnant self!

When a "funny feeling" turns into a 9 month journey...

[ This Blog Post is from 2009, when I was still pregnant with my son, but still very accurate]

34 weeks ago I started a journey.

A new journey in my life. A journey unlike any other in my entire 28 years, and that would definitely change my life. I wouldn't have had it any other way or change it for anything in the world.

It was surreal at first and slowly with every growing day the belly popped and the baby's heart and movements started to leave me in amazement. Amazement of what the Lord has created for us to experience.

Life.



Life is so amazing, being formed within for 40 weeks. Despite all the ups and downs that have come from this journey, it's been a perfect one of bonding with this tiny child inside of my womb. His little pushes and tugs though at times painful have made my heart grow to a size so big that at the end of this journey I may have to cut a piece out and freeze it for a later date.

God is amazing and HIS timing is incredible. 10 years after having met Ricardo, not the typical person who I thought I would end up with, and 3 years after our marriage I would have never thought to have been blessed in such wonderful ways. Had you told me 34 weeks ago that this year would be the year that Ricardo and I accomplished this dream I probably wouldn't have believed it. Our lives have not been easy. But, this journey has allowed us to not only continue to grow in our love and our FAITH but to grow as individuals with more goals and accomplishments to attain. I personally feel like I have learned who and what is important. I have placed a special emphasize on peace and have learned to ignore those people and those situations that just have no positive meaning in my life.

I have grown to appreciate my mom and my husband much more. To know what it's like to bare life and to be a mother. Needing my mom at every moment and every breath, wondering if the pushing and pulling inside and all around my body is normal. Needing her when my feet look like balloons and my back feels like an elephant stepped on it. Needing my husband just to be there. To be the one who endures the tears, the yelling, the hysteria, the joys, the laughter and the love. I have attempted all my life to be very independent, very self-sufficient, to regress now goes against my will but is much needed. I am very fortunate to have these two people in my life, I am not sure how other women do it and being the big baby that I am, I am not sure that I would have survived on my own.  Though my books say that instinct kicks in and you should know what and how to do it, I am not sure to be that strong. Which is why I consider myself delightfully blessed to have my mom and my husband in my life.

The journey will soon come to an end, only to start a whole new phase in my life; Motherhood. As if being a daughter, sister, student, employee, friend and wife weren’t hard enough God has now given me one more duty.

He knows that I can handle it and that

I can embrace it.

I will rise to this challenge with grace and Love like every other.

I am Thankful for life.

I am Blessed.