{When Hope is Lost...}

I have faith in healing. I know God can perform many miracles.

But, on days like today when you feel useless...and yes...hopeless...when I pray and tears are inevitable. I can't help but remember how human I really am.

I am in NO way, shape or form trying to compare my current illness to other chronic and fatal illnesses such as Cancer. I can't imagine the pain the or rigorous treatments without result. But, I am ill. Right now, it feels like a chronic problem.

It started about a month ago. A visit to the ER for Kidney Stones, a week later an emergency surgery to remove them. A stent in for about a week. {The worse pain and experience of my life, btw.} I went back to work packed with meds, an everyday regime of pain, antibiotic and nausea pills to be a functional daily person. Ridiculous if you ask me. Ridiculous. Here I am almost 3 weeks later, failed medication and a slew of new problems.

More pain, a swollen Kidney, ER visits from what feel like I could give birth to a 10 lbs stone, not fun. I feel useless. I can't even care for my kids. I can't go to work without the anxiousness of being in pain. I can't be me. I want my life back. This, I am sorry, is not life.

I pray that God can give me total healing and health. That the doctor can give me an answer to the pain and that I can truly "normal" again.

Hospital bills are growing. Patience is being lost. Fear of the future is being built. Hope is being lost? I don't want that... I don't want that....

I don't want to be the sick Mom, the ill employee, the wife always in the hospital.... the person with medical issues. I guess no one does... It just reminds me of that movie...again not comparing my illness to illnesses like that but what else can I do when I feel hopeless and helpless...

Medication is my foe. Kidney stone are my enemy. Kryptonite if you will. Like one person said.... "she's always on the injured list...." Perspective I guess.

I don't want this to be my identity. And, the tears are inevitable.

Desperate for healing. UGH. About it all.

I want off of this roller coaster....RIGHT NOW!

"Do not fear. Look beyond what's dying to what's being born."- Marianne Williamson, is a best-selling author, motivational speaker and just a plain amazing woman.