When it comes to your divorce, single-life or separation.
Don’t let others tell you what to do. Truth is. It’s your timeline. Whether those giving you "advice" have been there or not. That’s none of their business. I’m not saying shut people out and don’t take good advice, no... what I am saying is listen. Take it in. And, say thank you. But, know that this is YOUR journey. These people don’t know what that means or where it will lead you.
Trust me I’ve heard it all (from both my female and male friends):
Stay Single as long as you can
Be alone and take it all in
Don’t date right away
Cry about it, let it out
Don’t cry, be strong
Don’t go back to your Ex
You should think about it and reconsider going back to your Ex
Don’t drink too much
Go to church, stay close to God
Girl, live your best life
I could go on and on....
Trust me, and I’m sure you’ve heard it all too. The truth is we are human. Some humans need other humans. Some humans need to cry and drink to get things out of their system. When people because, both men and women have approached me at this point ask about “relationship” advice, as if I’m an expert. I laugh at myself. No, I’m not an expert. But, I am a human living a very unique experience. My first “breakup” in my whole entire adult life. It’s been a ride that’s for sure. And, while I don’t like to tell people what to do or give too much advice, I don’t mind sharing what’s worked for me during these times. Know that even if leaving someone was your choice it’s still hard.
For me. I started with therapy. I went and continue to seek professional help when and if I need it. It truly, truly helps. Having someone on the “outside looking in” telling me that my actions and thoughts are rational and normal has made me feel more at peace with my decisions.
It’s not easy.
Something else that’s helped, has been LOTS of fun girl nights out! And, a few times I have ended up going out alone and still having lots of fun! And yes, I drink, this has to be taken in and analyzed often during this time; there is a fine line between it being fun and social to it being a true problem. During those times, I’ve stepped back and tried to truly think about why I’m doing it and how much control I have over it. Which has been total control, thankfully. But know that drinking truly solves nothing. Not even pain or brokenness. Sometimes it makes it worse. So be cautious.
So just be safe and make sure this isn’t a problem. If it is, seek help.
Another thing has been words. Of course. I’m a writer. Being able to express myself with words during this time has been vital. About 8-9 months after it had all started and I was finally able to talk about my separation and now divorce I felt that a big weight was lifted. If you follow me on IG I also post about it there a LOT. Sometimes in my feed with long, long captions and others through memes on my stories. Sad. Angry. Confused. Happy. Funny. Sarcasm. It all comes out.
If you know me you know I love music. Every song, it’s lyrics, the words they pierce almost though every single one of my emotions. It’s insane. I love music. I’ve gone to a lot of concerts this year and listen to a lot of music every day! I also have the ultimate female empowerment break up playlist. It’s amazing, check it out for yourself. —->> LINK HERE
And then, that dreaded “alone time”. I had my first ever solo road-trip back in April to Austin. It was an amazing experience. In September I went to San Diego alone which was an even more amazing experience. And, recently I took myself to the beach on a Sunday afternoon when I didn’t have my kids. Which is where I wrote this blog post. So alone time HELPS. Yes. Church wise. I’ve not gone to mass in a long time. It requires me to be in a clear open focused state of mind, which has been a little hard these days. But, I go to a chapel during lunch. That chapel has seen me sob my face out, like horrible snot nose dripping face where I’ve had to take my cardigan off and just wipe my whole face. It’s not pretty but necessary. Always necessary. Pick a quiet place where you can sit and be alone it will help you.
One HUGE factor has been having others to talk to about it, people who will not be judgmental and who are open and willing to hear about your situation. Someone who is willing to listen to all your drama and can help you walk through solutions or help you organize your thoughts. Usually, these people have been through or are also going through a breakup, separation, divorce. So, that always helps. Having other people “on your side” can be helpful.
Again, I’m not an expert. Or a therapist. I’m simply a single momma, now co-parenting who is living through this experience, one day at a time. Building strength, courage and continuous ways to help others and make their transitions as easy as I can by sharing what I’ve gone through and how I have overcome all the stages. Each one is SO different. And again. Everyone is different with very specific and unique experiences so none of this may work for you or all of it might work for you.
Take what you need.