You Can't Always be a Super Boss Bitch who does Epic Shit.....

Or can you? 

It's all about direction, intent, and timing. 

I recently had a big fail. I have helped lead a group of local women called Houston Latina Bloggers for some time now. I thought that creating a conference was the next big step. So for a few months, we've been planning, preparing, strategizing, and moving forward. Or so I thought..... 

The idea came about to try and help us celebrate our groups 5th anniversary, we also received recognition from the City of Houston. Clearly, this was the next big step, right? 

Well. Flash forward to today and what I have going on. Amid divorce and co-parenting alone in the last year, which brought along a plethora of changes and moves and well just everyday life to deal with. A month ago or so, I was presented with the opportunity to leave my position of 4 plus years from Oil and Gas and return to something that for me was much like coming home. A non-profit in my neighborhood, Northside Houston. 

It's 2 weeks before the conference is supposed to happen and I have a meltdown, an overwhelming feeling of "I can't". My kids and their Dad's schedule takes precedence over anything and everything because well, at the end of the day even though we don't all live in the same place, we are a team. I am also trying to acclimate and establish my new position within a new company. Trying to manage events outside of my already obligated work and family responsibilities just weren't sitting well with me. So, I have since canceled the event. It's hard. Something that I thought about a lot. I was letting myself down and my community of content creators.  

But, then as I attended some work meetings and had the realization of how temporary every job is, a new rush of ideas and energy has overcome me. 

As much as I like to think that I can constantly be on the move, it just doesn't work that way, at least not all the time. Because in the last year and a half there have been many times when I don't even want to get out of bed. When I would walk into work and tears just wouldn't stop rolling down my cheeks. When my mind can't seem to focus on the infinite pile of tasks I have to get done. When my heart is aching so much that I truly question my decisions and I wondered how much I've screwed my life up. Days when I ask myself "Connie, why did you do this to yourself, to your family, to your kids?" 

On those days I question the mere existence of my "badassery" and my ability to do epic shit in my life.

And, you know what despite, how much I do, create and write, I have the right to stay in bed, cry at my desk and allow myself to feel the doubt that has filled every corner of my life these days.

You guys, I'm human.

Last year for about 6 months I fully questioned my life and everything that I was doing with it, and at the age of 37 made some pretty BIG decisions that impacted my entire family. For months we dealt with it, in silence and alone. I have since dealt with the shame, the doubt and the pain both somewhat openly and in private. People will never see the days when my whole body is limp and I have no desire to prove my purpose or passion or worth to anyone under any circumstance. Yes, that serious. 

TRUTH IS. As Lizzo would attest, TRUTH REALLY DOES HURT. And, we are so scared to look at our truth and reality and realize that this is it. This is who we are, where we are and what we are. And, that sometimes we have to put shit down, let it go and move on. Even if that means that you can't always do epic shit and be the Boss Bitch that you know you are. 

Truth is, it's like that sometimes. We just have to walk away and allow things to fall apart, eventually, they will grow again. TRUST. Trust the process. It takes time. Some times a lot of time. It takes grace and self-awareness. It's hard. BUT, it will eventually be worth it. 

Trust me. I have lived in it, some days sadly wallowed in it, for over a year and a half now. It is not easy to walk away from something thinking that you maybe could have pulled it off, but your peace of mind, health and sanity do come first. Not making excuses but sometimes, a huge step back and rest is much needed. 

Things do and will fall back into place..... 

Early {New} Year Re-solutions

So, you thought 2013 would be a year full of purpose and direction and it's now October and you can't seem to see your vision. But, why? No worries, re-direct and get it together!

I had many goals for this year. Sure most of them were accomplished and maybe slightly re-directed but honestly sometimes life is life and it just doesn't happen how you envisioned. Well, now is the time to start re-thinking those goals for the rest of this year. And yes, why not for 2014? Trust me, it will be here before we know it. It’s never too early to start thinking about what we want for ourselves.

 

A few ways that I plan on getting back on track are:

Re-Organizing~ I started my year as a Stay@HomeMomma and then converted back to being a WorkingOutsidetheHomeMomma so my every day has been flipped up-side down! It's been almost 5 months and I think I am finally finding a new balance. Schedules are falling into place. Energy and motivation are finally back. My best advice; don't take on too much and when you feel overwhelmed take a break! 

Re-Thinking~ I am going to go over my goals and re-think, re-evaluate and re-prioritize what I feel needs to get done to accomplish some of my personal, home and blogging goals! I think everything in life can be re-written no need to get flustered or upset...just re-think it! 

Take Action~ After I am done re-organizing myself and re-thinking what and how things will be done the rest of the year and in 2014; then I will definitely be set to TAKE ACTION! I want to not only be a person of words but also of actions! 

What about you? Have you thought about way to start over and start planning for next year?!

Developing Self-Worth {Career}

The other day I wrote about my faith and how much I have grown and learned over the years. Today, I want to tackle the Career aspect of Developing Self-Worth.

I have had a pretty good range of experiences in my life. From cleaning houses in the Summer when I was in High School with my Momma and my Tia to working in a Downtown office for corporate America. I had never really been without work. Or never really had to "find" a job. Most my positions were obtained because I knew someone. 

The last 6 months have definitely been an experience, not just the Staying@ Home part but the job seeking and seeking my "dream" job. When I was younger my ambitions were limitless. I wanted it all. The perfect job with the best salary and the best boss, with all the amenities and yes, my own corner office in a high rise building. Truth is, who doesn't! Then I started looking for this job and though I am sure that it is out there...I realized what I am really after is environment, flexibility and appreciation. For a company to capture my heart. To feel an excitement that I have not felt in years. 

Truth is. My dream job is one that I can learn and grow in. No matter how long it takes me. If the "amenities" come with it, then so be it. I just realized that companies these days can really make you doubt your self-worth and over all {monetary} worth. I know it shouldn't be all about the money but as a growing family we definitely have to calculate all of the necessities. And, ultimately as individuals we know how much we are worth. We also know the amount of work that it has taken us to be where we are. 

I think that overall if a job is good to you and takes your family into consideration and values your time spent with them then that to me can ultimately become your "dream" job, in the making. It doesn't have to be in a "perfect" place, with "perfect" people and "perfect" circumstances...it can be just about anywhere and I doubt it has to be fancy or of "high prestige". We are who we are because of what we make out of our own unique situation.

When I received my college diploma I thought I was on top of the world, the truth is that in order to make it anywhere you have to work hard and long to get out of it what you put into it. As cliche as that may sound, it's true. 

No matter what we do in life, it's going to take work and true dedication. I know now that what I have been  seeking most my adult life hasn't been a "dream" job but instead, "the" job... and everything else will only be shown through time and continuous dedication. 

In the mean time..I continue to seek and wait. And, wait and seek. It will come. One day....

{2012} In Review

It's crazy to think that just yesterday, or so it seems like it, 2012 was just starting so fresh, so new......

Then I looked at my first post from 2012; and WOW! What a difference a year makes:

::{Click here} FIRST POST OF 2012::

This year was GREAT.

{Click on EACH month to read related posts or see pictures!}
In March; Cami turned ONE! We had a fiesta and a wave of Momma-melt downs began. Many may not know this but this year I battled fiercely with Momma Blues {some type of PPD}. It wasn't fun, therapy helped and after a major melt-down and full-blown panic attack in September, I quit my Full-time job to be a Stay-@-Home-Momma. {Read about it ::here:: ::here:: and ::here::}

In May; My Hubby graduated from college with his Bachelor's degree!!!! GO HUBBY  & GO COOGS!!! Whoop-Whoop!!!

In June; I turned 31. Officially a year in my 30's in 6 months, I will be 32! Wow, just yesterday, I was 18. Wow.

In July; The Hubby landed a pretty sweet job opportunity and it's helped us realize a lot about ourselves and our accomplishments. My Hubby is incredibly smart and an amazingly hard working person. I love him. Lots.

In August; My Hubby  turned 33! Wow! We met when he was 17. Crazy huh?

In September; My Santi turned 3!!! 3!!!! He won't be a baby much longer...makes me sad. A lot. A lot! I also quit my job this month after a not so good event; to become a Stay-@-Home-Momma. Which may be ending soon... because well... it just happens...

In October; a new journey began and I attended my FIRST ever official BLOGGER Conference!!!! Thanks to the Latism Houston Chapter and their sponsorship!!!! Say whaaaa'?? It was great, great month!!! ::PICTURES HERE::

Now it's December 31st, the last day of the year... it's bittersweet....leaving behind all the good and the BAD that happened in 2012 but always remembering that NO MATTER what God was there with us EVERY.SINGLE.STEP.OF.THE.WAY.

As a constant reminder of my faith in 2012, I had some very, very harsh moments but I remained faith-ful and in prayer and God knew when I should have a melt-down and when I needed to be fierce! In everything I did in 2012; failures, successes, happiness, sadness, tears and joy...I honestly looked for God and trusted in Him to give me ever lasting strength... everyday. Every time. As I sit here on the last day of 2012; I want to thank not only my friends and family who remained constant and by my side with their never ending love and support but also Thank You to all the NEW and amazing friends that I added to my Blog, Facebook, and contact book! I love you all and I pray that you and your families have an amazingly wonderful new year!!!!!

Many Blessings. 

2 Corinthians 5:17

New King James Version (NKJV)

¹⁷ Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.

See Ya' Next Year!!!!!!!!

{Friday Letters} ♥ The Last Friday of the Year

Dear Friday Letter,
They like you! They really like you!!!
LOL.

Dear Friday,
Thank you for being here. You are the last one of this year.... I am ready for this week to be over. Just a little anxious for 2013..no offense 2012...but honestly.... you are in the past...You gave me an AMAZING year but your time is up.
Thank you for the memories....see you next Friday in 2013!!!! ::insert happy dance here::

Dear Me,
THIS IS IT. Your time to shine!!!!  2012 was great but 2013 will be better!!! Don't give up. Remember that your FAMILY, the people who sit with you on Friday night and hold your hand on Sunday morning those are the people you are working with to make this life amazing!!!! God is with you every single step of the way so let's do this!!! NO fears. No worries. JUST MOVE ON. Move forward. Pray. Love. & laugh more often...your Hubby is really funny!!! Remember though to slow down. Take time to hug and kiss your little ones they will never be this little again. Tell your Momma and Dad how much you love them, and appreciate EVERYTHING that they have done for you and given you in life. EVERYTHING. Remind your siblings that you LOVE them, you started this life with them and you need them.
Love you.
P.S. The weight. I promise it will come off....but what if we get preggers again...we shall see. God will know. :)

Dear Life,
Hmmm, reevaluating you right now. So be warned!
To new beginnings.

Dear Hubby,
Thank you so much for my new camera! I abso-love it. You are the absolute best!!! It came just in time we have a whole new year ahead of us and I can't wait to start taking pictures of EVERYTHING we do!!! I will put my camera to good use!
Love you bunches!!!!

Dear kids,
You guys are great. It's been fun this week being home with both of you. I get the best of both worlds and you know what..it's a lot easier than I thought it would be. Thank you for making my life complete. We start a new year together in a few days...all I can say it, I love you. A lot.
Yo'Momma.

Have a great weekend everyone!!! 

{Hello December} 2012 to 2013

{Good-Bye November}

December is that you? Wow.

The last 11 months are a blur. It's cold now, sometimes. My Husband graduated college, I became a "Stay@HomeMomma", kinda. It just doesn't feel like a whole year has gone by but my son's jacket no longer fits him and my daughter has new boots...that she is walking in, all on her own. So, yes. The year has gone by. Too fast and without warning.

My wish for December. That I can enjoy it. Maintain some peace. And, move forward. I am not sure where this year has led you but for me, it's given me a second chance. A new opportunity to start over. So, my 2013 starts now. Why wait?

I don't watch football but while listening to the news the other night one of the players said; "I don't think about the last play, I think about my next play." All, I could think was, "Wow, I want to be that way." I don't want to think about the past and what went wrong, I want to look towards the future and what's to come.

I often sit and think about the things that I wish could have happened or that I could have done differently. But, I can't dwell on the material and superficial. I can't think about places and situations. I can only move on.

2012 was a great year. Many things went well. But, I want 2013 to be even better for us.

{December prayer: Dear Lord, give me peace and faith to continue. Give me strength and wisdom to prosper.  Give us health and continued safety. Bring us to the end of the year with new hope. I pray that 2013 is an amazing year for Team Gomez and all of our friends and family. May Your will be done in my life and not mine. In Jesus Name. Amen.}


p.s. Still no pictures ya'll, maybe tomorrow....... Because I have a fun Holiday Mini-Photo shoot that my lovely assistant and I did! 

{On making a difficult decision....} Parte Uno

Ever since I can remember I have worked... no questions asked...just move forward. A tabajar mi'jita....porque el azul celeste...si que esta caro.

I didn't know when or how I would post about this, or if I even would. When it happened it was very embarrassing to me. First off. I had NEVER felt or had an experience like this ever. Not even when I have been preggers, and that's cause I have had some pretty difficult pregnancies. But, a fellow Blogger posted about her experience and it encouraged me to do so as well...

About 3 weeks ago I was sitting at my desk at work. Pretty typical day. Busy. Crazy. No biggie. I had just had lunch and was about to drink some Dr. Pepper. I share an office with my Supervisor, I am the Assistant Supervisor. As usual there were other people in the office... the space is somewhat open... can't remember now if the doors were closed..we have 2 doors, one toward the front of the office and one behind me. My boss, two workers from another floor and a gentleman on the phone were having a conference. Busy is very usual for us. Everyday business was happening around me. I sat there..and suddenly it happened. A feeling. Like I was loosing air and a sudden urge to breath deeply, the room started spinning and I wasn't sure what was going on. I have had low blood sugar before so I took one big gulp of Dr. Pepper and started fanning myself with what ever was in my hand. All the sudden I couldn't anymore. I started to call out my boss's name. I am sure everyone thought I was crazy. As soon as she acknowledged me I think I told her I felt sick and that I thought I would pass out. Next thing I knew I was laying in the ladies room on a couch trying to calm myself and attempting to breath. Unaware of what was going on. I asked my co-worker to call 9-1-1. Sure enough. I ended up on the back of an ambulance. With a IV drip, Oxygen and in route to the Emergency Room. All the while the Paramedic warned me of his "usual" but sudden nose bleeds which he was sure would happen, thankfully it didn't. I was scared enough with my own situation to be worried about someone else's medical emergency! Ha.

I spent 5 hours in the ER; calming down, dizzy and with sudden burst of "not sure if I can breath" episodes. Once it was all said and done a possible panic attack, dehydration and motion sickness had been assumed, I was sent home with medicine for dizziness and was asked to see my regular doctor within 24 hours. After such a scary moment I was left with plenty of questions and my head literally spinning. The following day I went to my regular doctor. After of full explanation of my previous 3 weeks; which involved work and caring for my children while my Husband was in Utah for work. He too suggested I had suffered from a panic attack and over all overload and exhaustion...suggested rest and sent me home with medicine for my nerves. Still not satisfied and with more questions. I went to see a specialist after her analysis and testing had concluded which involved an irregular heartbeat and EKG, due to anxiety, more than likely due to the previous days occurrences. Her diagnosis. A full blown panic attack and over all over load and exhaustion.

How? Me?

I couldn't believe it. But, surely 4 medical specialist couldn't  be wrong...who knows what happened or what kind of stress I have really put my body thru. Either way it was awful, embarrassing and time consuming but now the question of WHAT?

What do I do? I work 40{plus} hours a week outside of my home to help support and provide from my family. I always have. I know nothing else. I know that ever since my children were born I prayed to be a Stay-at-Home Momma...but now could that be an option? How in the world would I break it to my boss right smack dab in the middle of a Presidential year and just as the Elections department begins to boom.

After a long conversation with God, a good long discussion with my Hubby, countless texts and phone conversations with some of my closest Momma-pals and family... it was almost completely settled. My decision involved........a lot of thinking and praying. And, it wouldn't be taken lightly or easy...

I guess this is how difficult decisions are made....  

  

Officially. Fat.

NO JOKE. 

In May I lost about 8 or 9 pounds and OH.BOY.TRUST.ME. Have I found them!

I know that I say this a lot but tonight as I stuff my face with Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Fudge Brownie and read about Clean Diets and look at pictures of slim beautiful 20-something year olds...I told myself.

"THIS IS IT."

I can't continue down this path of body-self-destruction. It's unhealthy and honestly I feel uncomfortable.

The excuse that I work 12 hours a day, have two toddlers and a ton of clothes to wash; just don't fly anymore around here!

I need to get my Big Momma Booty in shape! Pronto!!
  
Good-bye Chocolate Fudge Brownie. I will catch you on the flip side and when you see me again, which you won't for a really, really long time, I will be looking good! Now take that and double fudge it!

Ok. A bit dramatic. But, you get the point!

I just know I can do it. My prayers have not been where they should be and I am going to take this time to get back on track! Focus has been lost and time is a wasting!!!!!

Join me if you will and let me know what your biggest weight loss GOAL is for the rest of the year!

Share your diets or exercising tips here!

{Inspired}

We all know that inspiration sometimes comes from unlikely places, people or situations, except after "c". Or something to that effect...

A fellow Momma Blogger wrote..I ramble on sometimes and make no sense. Don't we all feel that way? Some days we just move, do and go about our day without even thinking that what we write, do or say may just ignite a spark in someone else.{It happens, just like this post was inspired by her comment and my friend Casey's post on FB.}

My de-cluttering phase started last year. In trying to clean out and make room for my second baby. I really think I have made HUGE progress but I feel like I can make more. I need more time and thought. Recently one of my Bestie's {Casey}came over and took some things from my garage, she then said, I inspired {motivated} her to get rid of things.

Here is how I thought about it. While I was cleaning out my garage my friend gave away my Hubby's punching bag, my Hubby was mad and I told him this... If there was a fire I would grab Camila and Santiago and get out of dodge. The house and everything in it could burn down to the ground {knock on wood} as long as the kids were OK, I didn't care about loosing materialistic things. Therefore, if I have already imaginarily {it's a word, I googled it.} lost it in a fire, then I can get rid of it in real life? Right? Yeees. It's so easy to get caught up in sentimental value of objects but I think that as long as my children, Hubby and family are OK, I am OK without things.

Therefore another key word this year is: SIMPLIFY. {Other word was CHANGE! I guess they go hand in hand. Change involves being simple. I think....}