What am I going to tell my Daughter about love.....

What am I going to tell my Daughter about love now that I have "failed" at it? 

Sometimes I think back at the last year and just wish that I had that one piece of advice from my mom that would answer all my questions. It still hasn’t come. And, I’m not sure it ever will. And, it’s ok. But, I need to ask myself what I’m going to tell my daughter about love and relationships, marriage, self-love, growing-up and being your own lunch date.

I want her to know that her true love should be herself. That she should love and accept herself above all else. She shouldn’t expect anybody or "someone" to fill those gaps or those empty spaces. She should want to be her own lunch date every day. She should grow mentally, spiritually and emotionally every day on her own. She doesn’t need anyone’s approval or to approve of her. She should know that love is great but only when you know that it should be mutual, supportive and freeing. 

She doesn’t need a knight in shining armor to come and save her, she should have already saved herself. She should be brave and strong and know that sometimes love isn't immediate or automatic. She should be patient but know when to move on and move forward. Love, as much as you'd like it to be, isn't easy, it’s a complicated feeling and not everybody will be able to see her true value and worth. I don’t want her to look for love or think that she has to wait for it I want her to go about her life and know that love will find her.  When the time is right.... 

I want her to be independent and her own person. Much like she is now. I want her to be herself. Never having to worry about or having to apologize for who she is. Always embracing her unique features and ways, her beauty and her intelligence. Always being herself no matter how "extra" and out there she is, she is who she is, and no one can change her. 

I want her to know that love can change and evolve. I want her to know that I didn’t really fail at love because I have known love in so many forms and most importantly because I have her and her brother who both came from a place of love and I know what love can be. I haven't failed at love because I have been loved and have loved. I haven't failed at love because I have learned to love myself more and more these days. 

I don't ever want her to apologize for knowing what she wants and being strong-willed. I want her to know that she can have what she wants, not only because she's stubborn but persistent. My daughter is already becoming this strong independent girl, I want to fuel all of these feelings constantly.

I want her to know that "failing" at love is also acceptable. No one is perfect. It's not required and life goes on. 

I am going to tell my Daughter that love is within her and that even when you don't have anyone to love, life goes on because loving ourselves is always the best option. I want to tell her that love is amazing and she should strive to be the most loving even in the absence of love from the outside world.   

I want to tell her that she is love and that I love her.... that's what I will tell her about love... 

She is writing her own love story and that's all that matters. 

::This is 6:: Camila's Birthday Letter and Photoshoot

Dear Camila, 

Over the past 6 years, the amount of physical, emotional and learning growth that you have experienced is visible every single day. You are a strong willed, gorgeous little lady who practices self-love daily. You know that you can do anything you want, a little too much some days. You and I have fighting words almost daily, but I love you like no one else. You are not your typical Daddy's girl because some days you don't want to even be around him. But, he spoils you rotten regardless and loves you more than words can express. 

You are not really your typical girl in any sense, which we absolutely love about you. 

You are VERY humorous, but you are also a little jealous when your brother tries to show you up. We're working on this with you. You love to make people laugh. You dance salsa, merengue and Cha-Cha-Cha. Pretty much anything hip-hop too, you love to be free flowing and we love seeing you come up with new dance moves. About your brother, you love him more than life and even though you guys fight every minute of every day, he loves you just as much. You are usually best friends and loving when you aren't punching each-other and shouting about something.

You know how to make us laugh, you encourage us when we are down. Literally, you have told me "Mom, you can do this." And, you encourage yourself. You are tough at times filled with self-doubt and a little too stubborn. We are working on this too. At times, I want to rid you of your flaws and tantrums, but then I think about how those little things make you who you are and I know that some of those traits will have to remain with you. 

You love creating and filming videos for your non-existent YouTube Channel, you've made so many short videos and we laugh so much with them. You don't like to be laughed at. But, your personality is just so great, sometimes, we have to laugh. You've mastered "snapchap" (snapchat). You love makeup and are the girliest of girls. Not sure where you get that from, it's not me. At all. Again, some days I'm highly annoyed because I have no clue where to start with you, but then we learn together and all is good.

You are not only funny and beautiful, you are VERY hard working and smart. We knew you'd be that girl, you want to learn and are very competitive. Which is great. You try hard to reach the same levels as your brother in school, and at times seem to exceed them. You have learned to speak Spanish, all with your own effort. You love doing school projects and making friends. You are too friendly at times and have learned that if kids don't want to be your friend, you can move on without them. 

You have always been so super sweet and loving and caring, this has only grown with time. You are amazing Camila, don't ever allow anyone to tell you otherwise, but you already know this. You are faith-filled and at times far more understanding than me. You are very impatient, like me. You want things done now and no other way. You are a busy body and I can shift you from project to project. You don't mind doing, as long as it's something you want to do. You don't like cleaning up, you are a messy artist. You are a creative and thoughtful person. 

You are strong, in so many ways. But, most importantly, you are loved. I can't wait to see you (and your brother) grow even more in days, months, and years to come. You are our Morenaza!

I pray for you to be beyond blessed all the wonderful days of your life...

Love yo'Momma, Daddy and Buh-buh!

::Camila turns 5!:: Cuando...Todo Cambio.

The last 5 years and Camila’s letter….

Camila's Journey Part 1

Camila's Journey Part 2

You can read about Camila's Birth at links above.

You can read all of Camila's letters HERE. 

A little more about Camila. You know the little 5-year-old sassy pants that lives in my house and has more attitude in that itty bitty skinny body of hers, than anyone else I know.

Sassy, yes. Attitude, yes. Bossy, Oh hell yes. Confident, pretty much. Capable, yep. Will she one day be taking names and kicking ass, I hope so.

I don't know where the last 5 years have gone but I am sure they are now lost in the infinite tantrums, eye-rolling and cussing; I mean me not the 5-year-old. Well her too, a little. Camila came into our lives as a surprise. Yes, an unplanned pregnancy!  ::insert gasps here:: When I found out I was pregnant again, I cried. Mostly tears of fear but they quickly became joy and happiness. I was scared senseless, though. My son was 10 months old. I had a horrible first pregnancy which ended with an even more horrible C-section. My Husband was a full-time student, working internships and traveled. I was about to be promoted to Assistant Supervisor at my job. I was sure the second baby would be the end of me, and guess what although the pregnancy and delivery were very similar, it was SO much easier the second time around.

How was Camila Isabel named? Well, there is this Mexican group named Camila, and when I become pregnant with Santiago they were a thing. Only I was having a boy and not a girl. So, when I became pregnant again and found out, this time, it was a girl, we knew Camila would be her name. Isabel? Well her Daddy is in love with Brad Pitt, I mean over the moon infatuated, will he hate me for saying this? Yeah, pretty much. But, it’s totally relevant to my story. Where was I? So he loves Brad Pitt. He also loves his movies, one very unknown to me was Legends of the Fall, in the movie a gorgeously mixed Native American/Caucasian little girl named Isabel Two grows up to become a gorgeously beautiful mixed Native American/Caucasian woman who marries, yep, Brad Pitt. She is killed in the movie and it's a horrible tragic love story. My Husband loves drama so he loves that movie and Isabel Two, so Camila is Isabel too.

{By the way, I have been crying the whole entire time I am typing and I can't see past my tears. This is sure to be an ugly cry moment by the end.}

Dear Camila, 

The last 5 years have gone by too fast, before you were born I wasn’t sure what to expect. Now that you have grown you are exactly what I hoped you would be. You talk for days on end. You love everyone so much, until you are angry and then we are the worse family on the face of this earth. You have a fierce intensity about you, your focus at times is tremendous. Sometimes, too intense for me. But, we manage.

Your imagination is truly awesome, you have entire conversations with your friends over a fake cell phone. You take fake selfies and text or email people while you blog and “do wo-k”. You sing in the shower which we will catch on video to further embarrass you one day. Your song selections go from the Contemporary Christian songs you hear at daycare all day to Love yourself  by Justin Bieber. Who you know is Selena Gomez’ boyfriend. You have no clue what you say sometimes but you repeat it all with such conviction, you would think that you really know about Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber’s drama.

You have now been a ballet dancer, a soccer player and currently a baseball player. You love and want to do it all, until you actually have to do it all, then you are ok with quitting to do something else. You are good at baseball. You are tall, with straight tangled hair and those long skinny legs are all the rage! We love you so much.

Since you have your brother who is now in Kinder, you too want to go to Kinder and want to do homework, ride the bus and go on field trips. Because well you love Santiago so much you want to be like him and with him every day all the time. Him, not so much, except when he is trying to protect you and make you happy. In which case you guys are best friends.

You have a ton of “best” friends, who you get over daily and then become their friends again. I guess that's how pre-school and 4-year-olds roll. You would think that you are a teenager, your thoughts are deep and your drama is very real.

You are very smart and remember people names and then ask about them randomly. You are very crafty and love to learn. You are very thoughtful, and remember things like people birthdays and likes, and on their birthdays, you want to buy them everything they like. We don’t but you would love to.

You love bright happy colors like pink and purple, because you are that happy cheerful little girl. Everything about you is girly, which is beyond me, I am not really that girly. You love nail polish, make-up and pretending that you rule the world. You are strong, and brave. You fight with Santiago and have become very tough over the years, sometimes a little too tough.

You are always sick, or so you think. At school, they call you sickie-wiki. You love being pampered and babied. Yet you are very independent and have learned to do everything Santiago does in half the time. Especially the talking. That you have down packed. You are a little Diva. You love to look pretty and wear dresses but hate brushing your hair or your teeth. Even when we threaten that they will rot and fall out, you don’t care or believe us.

You are loved. No matter what. So much. By so many of us. Don’t forget that. Ever. You tell me all the time that Jesus is in your heart and that we should not be scared. I tell you to please hold on to that. This world is not easy. Some day you will have to work hard for what you want and hold on tight to what you believe in. God will be with you.

I want you to grow up to be a courageous strong warrior who will one day rule the world. I want you to be who you are. I want you to be as strong and confident as you are today. I want you to believe in yourself and not depend on others to validate your abilities. You are strong, you are capable and you will be a warrior. These are things I tell you when you come home sad that your “friends” are being mean or don’t want to be your friends anymore. I remind you that not everyone has to like you or be your friend because that’s the truth.

I am a little harder on you some days and it’s only because I want you to do well in life. We don’t sugarcoat in our home, we tell it how it is. You and Santiago are very much the same way. Honest and raw. We love it.

And, we love you too. So much. Always remember that.

Love you,

Your Momma!

::March Reflection::

A couple of days ago I read the most heartfelt and heartbreaking post over on This Life I Live, a blog by Rory Feek. It made me think so much about life. My kids. And, those daily struggles that I should just give up on. I don't mean give up in a sense of not doing them but in a sense of letting go because there are so many other amazing things to focus on.

This month is forever important in my life, 5 years ago on March 25th, I became a Momma to a little girl. The same little girl that today rolls her eyes at me, is super dramatic when she is getting in trouble, and with whom I fight and make-up with every morning when she doesn't want to brush her hair or her teeth. The same little baby who was so tiny, ever so sweet and loving. I already know we will have that kind of relationship; where we can't stand each other but we love one another like crazy. She is my heart. {So is Santi but it's different.} I am a little harder on her in many areas, I want her to be strong, independent and stand her ground for what she believes in. And, oh boy is she all these things. And, for my own sake I want her to be all the opposite, but not really. So, I know we will have a consistent power struggle, but at the end of the day she is in charge, she is Daddy's girl and we love her so much. 

As a Momma, I want to be there for my children but I also don't want them to think life can be handed to you. I want them to work hard, to struggle less than I did, but to appreciate all that we have been able to give them. It's a constant struggle as a parent to find this balance. I am sure we will make mistakes but I know we will make it a life learning experience worth our while. Both of our kids are teaching us so much about life, about having fun, about being ourselves, and about moving forward.

As parents, we have a big responsibility to not only care for our children with the material items that they need but also with wise choices that will impact them in years to come. Just like our parents made sacrifices and decision as well as mistakes. These days I can totally understand them. I sympathize with them and realize that they a had a lot on their plate, but learning where my parenting should be strong and where I should just let it be. At the end of the day, every child is a person, with their own personality, faults, and destiny. I can't, even though I think I can, control everything.  It shouldn't be called parenting it should instead be called, "hands-on-learn-as-you-go-pray-you-don't-screw-up-experience".

I have learned to let go in so many areas where my self-proclaimed OCD wouldn't allow me to deviate. These days, it's a lot of "eh" and "ok, moving on", type situations. And, it is well with my soul. Otherwise, I would drive myself nuts.

One of those items was monthly letters to my children the first year of their life, which slowly changed to yearly Birthday Letters and it has worked out just fine.  I spend time with them, talk to them, try to be extra patient when they are doing "experiments" in my bathroom with food coloring and all my white towels; so I know I am creating lasting memories for them that don't need to be documented daily.

This is Camila's birth month and I want to share more about her throughout the month, in the meantime, you can read her Birthday letters up to now HERE.

How to be a Momma to a Girly Girl?

As you may know I am a Momma to a son and then I am Momma to a Girl. GIRL. Did I mention Girl? She is not just any girl; she is "a" girl. Very detail oriented, remembers everything you say and loves her clothes and hair a certain way. If you see me on Social Media you might think... she is just like you! And, yes to some extent I am  a Girly Girl. But, as I have gotten older and become a Momma I have become very tom boyish, plain Jane, and am VERY comfortable with it all. 

I don't care to do my hair every day. I no longer sleep with hot rollers and face masks. I should tho. I am happy being frumpy me on most days. But, the comfort makes me forget. I forget that I too loved being girly and that my Cami is just starting to be a girly girl. 

Today I will share 5 ways that I will be a Momma to a Girly girl so that she can be herself and learn that we can be beautiful and smart all at once. 

::5 ways to be a Momma to a Girly Girl::

1) Paint her Toes~ One of Camila's favorite things is to paint her nails. I am usually busy and rarely get a chance to get pedicures of my own but when I do, it feels amazing. I love feeling pampered, who doesn't right? The other night all Camila wanted was her toes painted. I didn't want to be bothered. I tend to forget how fun and awesome it feels to have someone pamper you. I want my daughter to feel loved and pampered. Because she deserves it and much more! Plus she will learn that all of her hard work deserves some relaxing and treating yourself. 

2) Give her Space~ Giving Camila her own space and allowing her to be herself gives her confidence and strength. I love that she knows exactly what she loves. Yes she is only 4 but trust me she is very good at knowing what she loves; these days it's lip gloss and nail polish. She has true collections and is very proud of them. I don't ever want to stop her from being herself. I know plenty of beautiful Makeup Artist and women who look amazing and are CEO's.  Camila will choose who she wants to be and I want to give her that space but with guidance. 

3) Let her Dress herself~ A great way that Camila shows individuality is in dressing herself. Trust me most days she does a lot better than I would. Often my Husband says I won't be able to afford her, but my number one priority will be to teach my daughter to work hard and be able to afford herself. It's an example that I had growing up, my Momma was independent and I have been as well. My Sister and I own what we have because we bought it. No need to be dependent on others for stuff.  A little strong for a 4 year old? Yep. It is but she definitely needs to learn it. 

4) She can be  Princess whenever she wants~ She is 4, reality is years away. I want my child to be a child. That means if she wakes up and feels her inner Princess shinning on any given day, she should be able to be a PRINCESS darnit! She is in our home. We love her. While we want her to constantly learn value, morals and self-esteem we also want her to be a child and enjoy life. With or without her crown. 

5) Give her attention~ I want to genuinely give her my time and attention. Some days are difficult but the more time that I can give her the better she will communicate with me. She loves to talk. I will learn to listen, always. She is one of the loves of my life and she deserve all of my time and attention. Her and her brother have a lot of patience for me and my writing in return I like to think that I can be patient with them and what they need. Camila is so loving, she loves to spend time with me and I love her so much. I want to always show her that I care and listen. Communication will be essential in later years. 

::Queridos Hijos:: #LessonsLearned

::Dear Children:: 

If you’re a Momma or are around children then you know that moment in the movie “The Croods” were Grug decides to throw his family over the cliff into the light knowing that he would disappear into the darkness. It’s an intense moment; as a parent making life changing and difficult decisions that may or may not ultimately benefit your family as a whole, is a challenge.

It’s what we do though and sometimes we have to make these difficult decisions even if our family members don’t understand why. In the end we know they are necessary for us to move forward to evolve and grow! As a Momma I make these decisions daily maybe right now, not as difficult as those made by Grug but I make decisions none-the-less. The decisions are sometimes filled with fears and doubt of what the outcome may be but they are always made with the best intentions at heart.  

I know that one day as my children you will probably “hate me” for not allowing you to go out and do some random activity with your friends  but trust me “es por tu bien”. And, I pray that when you achieve and accomplish you will be able to see the light and understand why as parents we make the choices that we make.

I love you so intensely everyday more and more!

Love, 

Momma

Picture Credit; Obtained from http://www.fanpop.com/

::3 Year Old Letter to Camila Isabel::

A week ::and 2 days:: ago, yes I am late, my tiny princess turned 3!

A letter I wrote to Cami on her 3rd Birthday.... 

Today you turn 3, when I look at you I see a tiny teenager filled with innocence and pure-heartedness. Your eyes are always seeking more and your laugh is so genuine and filled with life and joy. You can be a perfect princess and a tantrum throwing 3 year old all at once. I see attitude and sweetness. One day you might not want me to be around you but remember that I spent endless, sleepless nights cleaning your butt and puke off my shirt. You will owe me some quality time young lady! You are definitely worth it. 

I don’t know how many more years will pass before I can no longer carry you to bed or before you no longer want me to but for now I know that it's one of my most favorite times of the day. Not only because the whirlwind of constant action that you and your brother create, temporarily rests but also because of the moment.  I pick you up usually from the couch and you always wrap your skinny sweaty arms around my neck and place your  tiny clammy hands on my cheek. Those tiny hands are a beautiful reminder that nothing else matters. Nothing else matters. 

Your favorite movie right now is Despicable Me 2, the “funny one with Lucy”, you say. You love the purple Minions and your birthday party had to be minion filled you walked around the day before saying…”BLAH!” and sticking your tongue out just like the minions do.

You can talk forever and a day, much like myself. You love medicine and feel “sick” on a daily basis. Mostly for the drama. And, because you don’t like school/daycare much. Your Dad somehow believes you everyday. Everyday.

Your brother is your world, you want to be like him, you want to play with him and some days if you are lucky he lets you breath the same air as him.

You are sensitive. A lot. But, don’t let that fool you because I have seen you be tough. You can stand your ground when needed and can be a bit stubborn at times. You get your way sometimes. Keep on. You will need a little of all these traits to become a great leader. Which as Bossy-McBossy in our home you usually take the lead.  

You are super girly more than me, I have no make-up because you get a hold of it and make it your own. You love company and are such a social butterfly. You speak and we listen. You are beautiful in so many ways, remember that everyday. Never allow this world to tell you otherwise. 

You despise brushing your hair. You have a frantic look most days but it suits your cute little face and trust me it never phases you....ever. 

You are complex and so simple. You are always happy and your imagination is growing daily.

You make silly faces, the funnier the better, you like your brother are very animated and you are a happy girl.

You love to model and as soon as your Dad stats playing... "Applause" by Lady Gaga your hands meet your hips and you start walking, waving, spinning and blowing kisses. It's the best.

Your favorite song is Royals by Lorde. You love it. You sing it.

You complete our lives and shine light and happiness into our family. You are an amazing daughter who yes can be a bit stubborn and demanding but you are also filled with hugs and so much LOVE. You have learned to pray for all of us, everyday.

You are a Daddy's girl, your every word steals his heart, he calls you "piernitas" because since the day you were born you made a pact with him that you would never have long legs, but you do. Keeps him on his toes, for years to come I am sure....

You still drink from a "Titi" (bottle) you are obsessed, you carry 3 at a time. You are a bottle hoarder.

I love sitting and watching you talk. Your thoughts are always so insightful, you question those things that I as an adult, never think to question. I love that.

Happy Birthday Camila. You are our world. We LOVE you so much!
Love,
Momma, Daddy and Santi. 

{2 years of Cami} Letters to my Daughter...

{Dear, Camila Isabel}

You go by many nicknames but you are simply my precious gift. I love you. As you turn 2 my heart skips a beat just like the day we met. Your heart melted into mine and our lives forever linked. No matter how old you and I grow, life is our canvass and your smile paints it of sunshine and pure love.

You are my ever growing skinny long leg beauty. So, sweet and wild. So, beautiful and so smart! You are indeed a silly Daddy's girl and a super girly Momma's baby. You have an spunky little attitude and won't take "no" for an answer. You have a million and ONE questions daily and you talk to everyone about anything. You can literally talk up a storm and the silence is your playground.

You are very interested in; who everyone is, what everyone is doing and what everything is, oh yes, and "how it work?". You are our little P.I., always seeking and always smiling. You love to hug your Brother 'Tavo, who some days doesn't give you the time of day.. you are patient, he is a boy. You also stand your ground with him and fight back now... only later to give up and follow his direction. He loves you. You are his Sis'der.

We hug you and kiss you, and you say.. "Dat'nasty?" but still you are loved and cared for. We give you what you want and when we lay down the law you get overly dramatic, lots. 

You love make up and play with dolls but you are also a little tomboy and can run and play with your Brother all day long. You love to go outside. Your favorite food is bananas. Your favorite snacks are anything with "pica on it". You love spicy food and you can eat just about anything no matter how spicy. You are tough but a soft and gentle baby. We love you.

Two years ago today you came into our lives as a Beautiful Blessing. Today, you run our home and stole our hearts. You and I share a love for your "Ta-ddy" and your brother "Tavo". You are girlier than me; you know how to put make-up on better than me and I am sure you own more shoes than me! You are heartfelt and passionate about singing with your Daddy, you sing all his favorites and you are not shy! You love us as much as we love you...You are my Princess!! 

Life would not be the same without you and we love you more than words can describe. Yesterday, today and always! 

Happy Birthday My LOVE!!!! 

Love Always, 

Your Momma