Struggling.....

First off, I still don't have my computer and fear for the worse.... my computer had everything on it. Ugh. HUGE, FAT, UGLY, UGH! But, it seems that those huge, fat, ugly, UGH's are following me these days....

My Husband is a firm believer in the fact that less is more, don't share too much, or say too much. I am used to sharing. My fears, my dreams, and everything in between...and while I share, trust me...I don't really share everything and I know that God is the keeper of all things awesome in all those corners of untold dreams, goals and future plans....

And, just like any other human, because I am human, and I am in NO way, shape or form perfect but growing...I struggle, with God's plan, with trusting that I am where HE wants me to be. I struggle. I move along and forward but it's difficult for me.

I am not one to stay still. I move. For years God has told me. Be still. I am God and I know what I have in store for you. But, I struggle. The movement within just bursts out and those deep down desires of my heart are aching. Struggling.

I take a deep breath and relax. As, I walked through the grocery store last night and in weeks past I think, my kids are only going to be this little once. Enjoy them Connie. They won't want you carrying them, hugging and kissing them all the time or telling them how amazing they are when they are teenagers. So, I embrace them and our current situation  Trust me, my everyday has so many up's and down's and twists and turns, I struggle but I embrace, I enjoy and I reflect.

In those reflections comes the thought  of my dream job! I feel that I am really on that journey. To seek that perfect job; I know that NOTHING is perfect but something great has got to be out there for me... that job that a lot of other women have; where the hours are good, the pay is better and there is this great balance of work and outside life or at least a good blend of  both. Trust me. It's out there. Women have these jobs. I have seen them. And, I know that comparison is not an option. I don't think it's a matter of comparing what I don't have to what they do have, I think it's a sincere way of seeking a better place for myself and my family.

Because part of me wants to just RUN out and get the first job possible to help grow our pockets... God keeps telling me...Slow down cowboy, that's NOT it.

For years I thought, "Wow! I have a pretty good job!!" Then, I had kids and my struggles became new ones. Now that I have been home and after almost 3 years of working outside the home and having children I think, "ugh, my jobs were NOT kid friendly!" And, I am seeking..... and so I struggle.

Trust me. It's so painstaking these days to "find a job" much less MY DREAM JOB! The task is daunting and my brain is weary. I am a thinker. Then I share. Then I think, some more. Pondering on the what-if's and then wishing for the right-now's! I know. I am a little impatient. Trust me. It's a struggle. The brain is always on the move... and not my friend on most days.

In the mean time, I will continue my quest and pray for the best.....{totally didn't mean for that to rhyme. Ha.}

Everyday.

Psalm 37:4
New International Version (NIV) 

Take delight in the Lord,   and he will give you the desires of your heart.

{Children} #stoptheviolence #prayer

Speaking life, truth and positivity into my children's lives is so important to me.

In the midst of the horrible tragedy on Friday morning in CT, all I could think about is my kids. My home. This is where the teaching begins. Right now my kids are little, they are overactive and they are, well, kids filled with tantrums and outburst. My Husband and I are fairly new at this but we have attempted to take on a different approach with every tantrum. Out of frustration in the past I have had different reactions, these days I realize that if I keep cool, calm and collected {my Husband usually is} then my children will listen to me better. In return I pray that they too are learning that reacting in a cool, calm and collected way is the way to approach most situations in life. To keep a level head and to stay positive with your words and your actions.

The teaching, I know, begins at home. It's what my mind kept telling me on Friday morning and throughout the day. Respect. Respect those around you, especially your elders as long as they never harm you physically. In which case it is OK, to tell them to stop and leave you alone and to tell Momma and Daddy about it. {We are teaching my kids who is allowed in their personal space, it's a must!}

My Husband and I have vowed to stay on the same terms with every situation. If he says no, I say no. If he says it's ok then I say it's ok, all within reason. With every situation we attempt to understand and explain to my son and daughter and be reasonable with them, because even at a young age, they are more than absorbing everything we say, do and how we react. We've learned that the hard way... i.e. curse words.

Sometimes though, I do feel that even though the parents of some of these people who commit horrific acts are as cool, calm and collected and attempt to vocalize their concerns with their children, there comes a point when actions and words become something faint and these troubled men and women, will do what they want regardless. I know the importance of speaking up, speaking to my children about every aspect of their lives because my Momma did that with us and she still does. No matter how uncomfortable the conversation got my Momma never let me leave the room feeling confused or with doubts. And, I always knew how much she loved me and that every action she took was for my benefit and because she loved me! Even to this day. 

We will attempt to capture their minds and dig deep into their hearts to open up about life, outcomes and staying healthy not only physically but mentally as well, but what happens when these kids do what they want anyway. Have we failed? Where have we failed?

All, I know is that I vow to not only pray boldly for my children on a daily basis but to show up in a bold manner in their lives and in ever single aspect of their lives. My children are my world and I don't want them to harm or be harmed.

Prayer. Counseling. Respect.

::Dear God, Teach me to be the parent my children need in their lives and to allow them to grow with each experience as I guide them through life and you guide our families and community. I pray that you protect my children, keep them safe and shield them from harm. I know that life is filled with failures, doubt and disappointments but PLEASE dear Lord, teach my children that there is hope, a shinning light and Your Love NO MATTER WHAT or how many times they fall, and that You and us as their parents will be there to help them get back up and on track! Allow my children to see the good in people but to be cautious of evil that surrounds us on a daily basis, never to be blinded by ignorance, never to be so naive that they don't sense danger or people who want to take advantage of them, and to always be aware that Jesus is the way and the path to take when in doubt. I pray, in Jesus name. Amen. Thank You, Lord!::

{On Relaxing} :)

It's difficult!

I am constantly telling my kids. Relax, deep breath, calm down. Truth is. They can't. They get it from their Momma. {You know you totally turned into a rapper for about a minute there but NO really they do!}

I am the weirdest most non-conformist person I know. I am constantly seeking the next big thing. My next big idea, project or move! Pero porque? Why can't I just relax, deep breath and stay calm! Since I have been at home I have napped a total of 2 times! 2 TIMES IN 2 WEEKS! The reason for me staying home was to rest, relax and enjoy. Instead I am doing, thinking and exciting! Then it happens the dizziness and shakes come back..I am constantly over-whelming myself... I need to learn to relax... so I forced myself to nap during this post and it's been about 4 days since I started it...Ha!

Anyway. On relaxing. I try. It's hard but I get it; we need to calm down and move slowly sometimes... 

I am learning. 

I am praying. 

I promise, I am relaxing....My Hubby is helping me learn that, things don't always have to be perfect or run at a 110 miles per hour.....so we went to the beach 2 weekends ago.. it helped me take it easy... and slow.down... what's to come? I have NO idea. But, I have faith that what ever it is..I will get there...slowly but surely...

 
God is here with me...with us...and my little family....

"Don't worry about tomorrow..God is already there...." {A plaque in my kitchen....} 

I am trying to follow  His way and take His guidance.. but sometimes.... I just can't relax enough to hear Him!  So, for today.... deep breath::calm down:: and relax:: God is taking care of it for you....

Amen?! Yes! Amen. {Click below for reassurance}

::BIBLE GATEWAY::

{weary...and decisions}

Normal and OK. Is that really too much to ask for?

Like really.

All I want is for one day to be normal. For one day to be ok. No drama, no ailments.

Is that too much to ask for?

Anyway. I don't usually share too much but here we go...

My Hubby was gone for 3 weeks to Utah, for work... he may have to leave again here in the near future...I think the responsibilities of being a Momma of Dos, a Wife, an outside the home working Momma and just everything else that makes life happen on a day to day basis has finally caught up with me.

I am sick. Nothing to worry about I hope. I have seen my regular doctor he has give me his opinion. He says to me. "Mrs. Gomez, I think you do too much!"..I say to him... "I think YOU do too much!"... what? Like a boss. Ha. No but seriously he has given me a serious decision to make and a referral to a Internal Specialist. I will see her on Thursday and I think that based on that I will know what and where this life will lead.

But, back to my question. Normal and OK, is it possible??

If it isn't then what in the world will I ever do?

I pray.

I think.

And, soon I must decide.

We shall see.

Oh, the Dramas of an everyday Momma..... {this line is so totally my tag line from now on...} Ha.

Officially. Fat.

NO JOKE. 

In May I lost about 8 or 9 pounds and OH.BOY.TRUST.ME. Have I found them!

I know that I say this a lot but tonight as I stuff my face with Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Fudge Brownie and read about Clean Diets and look at pictures of slim beautiful 20-something year olds...I told myself.

"THIS IS IT."

I can't continue down this path of body-self-destruction. It's unhealthy and honestly I feel uncomfortable.

The excuse that I work 12 hours a day, have two toddlers and a ton of clothes to wash; just don't fly anymore around here!

I need to get my Big Momma Booty in shape! Pronto!!
  
Good-bye Chocolate Fudge Brownie. I will catch you on the flip side and when you see me again, which you won't for a really, really long time, I will be looking good! Now take that and double fudge it!

Ok. A bit dramatic. But, you get the point!

I just know I can do it. My prayers have not been where they should be and I am going to take this time to get back on track! Focus has been lost and time is a wasting!!!!!

Join me if you will and let me know what your biggest weight loss GOAL is for the rest of the year!

Share your diets or exercising tips here!

{M.I.A.} on the B.L.O.G

One of my biggest challenges {motivations} for 2012 is fueled by "that" word... you know the one.... the "C" word...

Cha-Cha-CHHHHANGE.

Change requires a lot of different steps {& personal effort}. I think.

First off, you have to realize what it is you want to change {one thing at a time cause it doesn't happen over night and if you put too much on your plate... you will end up overwhelmed. Just sayin'}

Once you know you want to change something you are fully admitting and taking responsibility for that "issue" in your life, that "trouble spot" if you will {these spots sometimes hinder your life in big ways and you don't even know it}.

Moving On.

You then put thought into the change; device a plan...an outline, goals, to-do list in order to accomplish this change. Example: I am fat. {I am. Not being mean just real!} I know I am fat. I accept it. I want to eat better and exercise {definitely has NOT happened BY.THE.WAY.} My plan: I will buy more fruits and veggies and create a whole new eating schedule and meal plans. I will replace all evil with good. {Like drink lots of water instead of Dr. Pepper all day! Just sayin'...} I will in addition make it an absolute point to exercise at least TWICE  a week {cause we don't want to get overwhelmed ::wink wink::}.

So, once I have thought about it and said, "hmmm this is what I will do." I then put my words in action. Make it happen. Do what I said I would do...but then, I am set back..placed right back at step one..thinking..mediating. Deciding that what I am doing is really good for me, that it's what I really want...in all, talking it over with not only yourself but God {and your Bestie, she will have some real insight!}. I know what I want to do, but what will come from it, aside from a killer bod, I mean...health and  inner strength! What will I do to make my change last, how will I keep up with what I have learned and continue to apply it in my everyday life? What does it really mean to me? Who is here for support? {Support and prayer to me is a big part of all my current changes..more so prayer...}

It's this time, this mediation time that requires...well time. Hence the M.I.A. I am finding myself going back to what I said I would do more this year...and yes..I have fallen off the bandwagon a bit but I don't care and I don't want to give up! I insist that change, CHANGE is what God has placed in my heart! Deeply rooted and planted...waiting to be watered and fertilized for TRUE growth that will endure and overcome... any stormy day!

But, no worries... I will overcome and move on... move forward and attempt to keep up...2012 is the YEAR!

I can feel it....

Potty Trauma

So, the topic of choice tonight is POOP. Yea. I said it. Caca. And, also number 1! Ha.

Lil'Man is 2 years and 2 months. Around the time when Cami was born {7 1/2 months ago} everyone started asking me about potty training. Being that I now work over 12 hours a day, outside my home and that my Mother-in-Law who not only watches my TWO crazy little ones but also my Hubby's Grandmother who is a Dialysis patient; it has NOT been handled. I just don't feel like we should be that pushy about it. The kid sees a toilet and has a panic attack...I don't think it's worth the trauma... at least not now.

I know that it would save us a ton on insurance.... no wait... that can't be right....I'm tired... it's late... but yes..money saving. On diapers. It would save us some good moola on diapers. But, honestly. Not just cause I am a zombie half the time but cause I really do believe in.... dale tiempo al tiempo. It will come. No one likes to be rushed. We all learn at different paces and we all learn within due time...from life and experience. Santi is TWO, has a good way to go before he can realize that he must go on the potty in order to normally function within social adult settings...but again.. he is TWO! He will one day ask to sit on the potty and just do what is natural to most, poop on the toilet. Too raw? Again it's late. Sleep deprived. Momma of Dos...etc etc. Ha.

What are your thoughts? I don't want to push my son to learn one more thing. He counts to 10, reads to Cami all day, sings the alphabet kinda, can name all his facial features, runs around all day, invests his time in movies, jumps on beds, empties baby powder containers, eats, sleeps and punches his Grandmother when he's wants...I think he has a full day as it is! Why should I push him..to..do..one..more..thing... I feel like it will come..and when it does, we will all smile and say..."Great job Lil'Man!" Hugs and kisses will probably be in order and as adults we will be left with thoughts as to why we don't get proper appreciation when we use the potty. No? Ok, maybe not but you get my point.

It is what it is...it will come. He will conquer the day he can poop on the potty and all the universe will be at ease that one more diaper will not go onto some landfill to decompose after a ba-zilliion years...

I know it's probably important for Santi to start potty training but seriously...is it something that I should be that pushy about, right now?

Discipline Oyiii!

I know that I am a new Momma and all, I am probably only just scratching at the surface of what Motherhood, Discipline and having children entails but I am going to dare to give it a whirl. I think though that my Husband and I having children "later" in life {for us Mexican}, was for a good reason. We both believe and know that we will certainly lead by example. Yes, we are all human and yes even at 30 {"a much wiser age"} I continue to make mistakes but if there is something that I have learned is that these mistakes are made for learning and for growth.

Ricardo and I have both established that we should always agree on discipline and should never argue it's validity in front of our children. If Ricardo or myself are in the middle of discipline {yes, with our TWO year old} we support one another. We are yet to find a good balance in tone or firmness of it all but we never undermine one another or favor Santi's tantrum over our decision to act upon his actions. This is where questions arise. Yes, we more times than not agree that Santi needs structure, rules and at times stern reminders of what is right and what is wrong but our tactics are not always effective. He has a very strong personality and can dominate most situations. It's been a true challenge to find the "correct" or most effective type of discipline for his age and for his actions.

We started with "time out" around the time of Cami's arrival. We suspected some sibling jealously or rivalry if you will. But, as time passed and we realized that he was over powering other children and hitting his cousin who is a bit smaller than him in size, then we were faced with a new challenge. Added firmness to our discipline strategies. At times, yes, that means, the "s" WORD. Spanking. And, raising our voice more than once to get his attention. Which then led to empty threats of getting a belt but never really having the heart to do so which then all became a funny situation as he realized that we were really not being as "stern" as we thought we were. He would mimic our actions and mock the "pow-pow" motions with his hands. We couldn't help but laugh as he returned the waving of the pointer finger for him to behave and the gibberish that came out of his mouth was just as irrelevant as the words that were coming out of mine.

Now, almost 8 months after the arrival of his little sister; countless tears on Cami's part, frustration on our part, tears on Santi's part, and at times mine, we are back at square one. Ricardo tries but working 8 hours and going to school until 10pm, results in excuses of being tired. Don't get me wrong, I have the same excuse. I am too tired to make our little man see how bad he is being. Therefore,still, no resolution to Santi's "bad behavior".

When we took him to his two year check up the doctor blamed his "Terrible Two's" but honestly I think Santi knows; A. that he is being bad and can get away with it and B. that at times...we give up... 

Now we are here..."those parents" with "that child"... and I really don't think I like it. Just this past weekend a dinner turned into a lecture about the fact that we allow Santi to get away with more than he should and how if we don't get a hold of him now he may end up in jail. I feel horrible. I want to seek help and read up on what the professional have to say. I know that a big part has to be a really good effort on our part. But, we really don't believe in spanking and time out isn't working. We are not sure if taking things from him or not giving him "treats" will work because I really don't think he cares if we tell him he can't watch TV or that he won't get ice cream after dinner, ya' know?

What is this Momma to do? Any advice? Any good books?

{Taking back my LIFE!} Semana: 1

This week I made a resolution!

After my reservation for...Pity Party, Table of One, was cancelled... I decided to take back my life. Like any other normal human being, I am going to fight this pain! I REFUSE, to allow it to win and steal my joy! It, IT, doesn't have that kind of power over me! It just doesn't! What was I crazy to think that I could wallow for more than a few days! NO!

This morning, I woke up, took my meds, worked through the pain and got moving...I almost, almost put makeup on! {One day at a time Connie. One day at a time! Ha.} I hate to make light of a painful situation..but it's going to be the only way! The only way! As I got dressed Ric said...are you pain? {Yes.} cause you look like your in pain... {Thank you Captain Obvious! HA. Don't tell him I said that..Ha. He'd be mad! Ha.}

This week my goal is to work through the pain every morning and make progress in what ever needs to be done for the week....


I will update everyone soon... in the mean time...

I am looking for Guest Bloggers; I thought I wanted stories of Thankfulness but I think what I really want is a list..in the form of my previous Thankful Thursday's post. You can be Thankful for one thing or a hundred. I would like about 5 people I will be posting the day of Thanksgiving along with my own Thankful List! 

Let me know if you'd like to join our Thankfulness party! Just email me at: mommaofdos@gmail.com

{When Hope is Lost...}

I have faith in healing. I know God can perform many miracles.

But, on days like today when you feel useless...and yes...hopeless...when I pray and tears are inevitable. I can't help but remember how human I really am.

I am in NO way, shape or form trying to compare my current illness to other chronic and fatal illnesses such as Cancer. I can't imagine the pain the or rigorous treatments without result. But, I am ill. Right now, it feels like a chronic problem.

It started about a month ago. A visit to the ER for Kidney Stones, a week later an emergency surgery to remove them. A stent in for about a week. {The worse pain and experience of my life, btw.} I went back to work packed with meds, an everyday regime of pain, antibiotic and nausea pills to be a functional daily person. Ridiculous if you ask me. Ridiculous. Here I am almost 3 weeks later, failed medication and a slew of new problems.

More pain, a swollen Kidney, ER visits from what feel like I could give birth to a 10 lbs stone, not fun. I feel useless. I can't even care for my kids. I can't go to work without the anxiousness of being in pain. I can't be me. I want my life back. This, I am sorry, is not life.

I pray that God can give me total healing and health. That the doctor can give me an answer to the pain and that I can truly "normal" again.

Hospital bills are growing. Patience is being lost. Fear of the future is being built. Hope is being lost? I don't want that... I don't want that....

I don't want to be the sick Mom, the ill employee, the wife always in the hospital.... the person with medical issues. I guess no one does... It just reminds me of that movie...again not comparing my illness to illnesses like that but what else can I do when I feel hopeless and helpless...

Medication is my foe. Kidney stone are my enemy. Kryptonite if you will. Like one person said.... "she's always on the injured list...." Perspective I guess.

I don't want this to be my identity. And, the tears are inevitable.

Desperate for healing. UGH. About it all.

I want off of this roller coaster....RIGHT NOW!

"Do not fear. Look beyond what's dying to what's being born."- Marianne Williamson, is a best-selling author, motivational speaker and just a plain amazing woman.

 

AS A MOTHER....

All we can do...

...is try!

Yes. It's true.

That's how it is in Marriage. You TRY and work at it.

That's how it is at a job. You TRY and work at it.

That's how it is in life. You TRY and  work at it.

So, when it comes to how I see parenting and the future {and current} upbringing of my children...YOU TRY AND WORK AT IT.

I haven't been a parent long, but I have parents. And, like many of us, they are human. They've made mistakes. And, as chronic observers, Ricardo and I note things and situations that we know we don't want to repeat in our children's upbringing and you know what...we TRY and work at it. Everyday. Together.

From what I have lived the last TWO years, I know it's difficult. To be all that God wants me to be. I fall back on Proverbs 31 and think...REALLY? And then think; well she did it, why can't I! And, so I try. Everyday. As I do with my Marriage. Never giving up. Always looking UP towards God for daily guidance and never slowing down! I figure to keep one step ahead of my kids I have to be floating on air!

I see other Momma's and think "wow.", "WOW!", "really?", "hmmmm" , "maybe I can try this instead?", and then think about it all and take it all in. At the end of the day, ONLY God knows the challenges, the accomplishments, the sacrifices, the journey that He has chosen for me as a Mother.

Only with Him, thru Him and for Him...can I prosper as a Mother.

There are so many things that as a young "Traditional Mexican Mother" born and raised in the U.S., I would like to instill in my children. For one, our Faith. Prayer. Alone time with God. Knowing that you don't ever have to be a people follower if you are a Jesus follower . That as a Momma, I will always be here for them but that they also need to learn to stand on their own TWO feet for when I can't physically be there. I want to teach them SPANISH. It's so important to me for them to know their roots, Mexico is such a beautiful place, amidst the current turmoil, it is rich in scenery and culture. I want my daughter to have a traditional Quinceñera. That, I think has been lost in recent years. I want my son to be a gentleman; independent, caring, loving, strong, courteous, hardworking, and dedicated. I want my daughter to know that she doesn't need a man in her life to make her feel loved, accepted and supported. But, only God can help me and ONLY He knows how much of this will reach their little growing hearts. {It tugs at mine everyday....}

I pray. That it will. 

All, I can do is try. 

I know it's an everyday struggle to be a Mother. But, you know what I am here, I have been called to this place and I have accepted my mission....and trust me, I will not just TRY. I will give it 110% to get things done.   

I also have an amazing group of Momma friends as support, to go to for further advice and counseling.

I will try and only God can pick me back up if I fail...

To find my "NITCH"....or Not?

As you all may remember I was on maternity leave not too long ago....a week ago to be exact...

During those 8 weeks, I was able to have a dream come true, although short-lived, it was much needed and definitely appreciated and taken advantage of!

I was indeed a STAY-AT-HOME MOMMA (or SAHM)! And, was totally rocking at it, if I may say so myself! (Toot-toot, Ha. Ha.)

Then....as I mentioned before...

Life tends to happen and my little hot pink fluffy magic rug was pulled from under my big hope-filled feet (yes, my feet have hopes too! ha.) ...and I totally missed the pillow (meaning my feelings hit the pavement)...Eeeeek.

During those 8 weeks, I developed and almost fully mastered....being a Crafty Momma...and you know what? I loved it.

I was creating, and following through with my endless possibilities. I loved it.

But, I know there are plans that I can make..but they are not for me to control. {Trust me, this is NOT  a complaint post....trust me.}

Well during my first week back at work, I remembered that place I had been in not too long ago.

A place where I dreamed of being a corporate Momma with an outside the home job and pant suits [ YES, PANT SUITS! If I had that kind of fun, lunch meeting, corporate type job and the money to buy me some cute pant suits! {Ha.}] None the less, I was there. That place where I didn't mind being that 9 to 5 Mom that works and runs home to be a Mom and Wife to a busy afternoon family.

Then, those 8 weeks came, and for a short time, everything was perfect. I was THAT Momma in that OTHER place, that hides deep in the back of my silly little heart....the Full-Time, Stay-at-Home-Momma, with the fun and lovable and most adorable children, who cleans, cooks, reads, watches "The Talk" at 1pm and Oprah at 4pm [before she decided to leave TV!].

AND YES...WHO CREATES....

Who shines at being a MOM! 

Who LOVES being a WIFE.

That Mom that after 8 weeks of chaos thinks, yes...let me take on just a bit more....I don't have an outside the home job..I think I can handle it. 

But, then.... THIS place comes back. The place where responsibility reigns, and food needs to be put on the table, where I want to take my kids to the zoo, museum, and circus without having to really deal with a budget. This place where I have to wake up, get dressed, pull my kids out of bed and get them ready for another set of arms to hold, to love and to care for.

It's hard. I yearn. I hurt. I envy. I cry. I think...no one knows my pain.... 

And, after the pain subdues..I search...for THAT place again. 

That's where I am...

Seeking... 

{My heart hurts at the thought of my children not being around me all day.... ::deep sigh::}

But, I know.

That THIS place...has a purpose...a reason... a season...a time...

What day is today?!

I was thinking I would work on several things {projects} this weekend.....

But, it's my first week back at work after 7 & a half  weeks away AND exhaustion is an understatement!

Our sleep and wake schedules are totally skewed, I feel like I am walking in and out of a revolving door and I feel out of place and just plain out...OUT OF IT! {Ha.}

I know, this is doable..I know I can get through this week..the real question is..When will I ever sleep again?!

My 8 week old and my 20 month old tag team each other, when one wakes the other one sleeps, when one cries the other other YELLS, when one poops the other one spits up; I think they enjoying seeing my head spin off my shoulders and my flushed face fill with panic! {HA.} They've seem to got the whole "let's deprive our mom of sleep and show her how much can come out of every orifice of our bodies" routine down... more than well!

{Trust me. I am BEYOND Blessed to have two VERY healthy, active and vivacious children....but when you get to where I am....exhaustion over powers and you just have to say it! }

So, I am not sure just yet...but I think my weekend is looking more like a big soft bed, with fluffy pillows and lots of wide open mouth straight up snoring! {Ha.} My vision of this weekend is more like a Comfort Inn than lets go out and be active weekend! 

Have I mentioned how tired I am? {Ha. ha. ha.}

And I can't remember when my last real warm sit down meal was....

This week so far is a blur.... 

{I am totally about laughing at my situation, but right now my laugh is accompanied by tears...just a bit...you know that kind of laugh/cry thing when you don't know really how you feel...sad, tired, happy.... CRAZY AND DETATCHED!}  {Ha. ha. ha.}

Honestly...I hope you see this post as humurous..

I love my kids....I ADORE being a Momma....I LOVE being a Wife...I love being a part of my families income and having an outside the home job {for now}...but every once in a while..I like to make light of my siutation and am a bit sarcastic...I hope everyone gets that.... Ha.

It's part of who I am....

The Normal Things.

I grew up in a "normal" family. 

Until I "grew up" and realized my family wasn't "normal" at all. 

Someone was always living with us; whether it was a Grandmother, an Aunt, an Uncle, a Cousin, or that family friend you called an Uncle or a Cousin or an Aunt...or a Grandmother. Thinking back on it. My family was far from normal, as most Hispanic families, in our culture we don't believe in putting people out. We'd rather cram into a 2 bedroom apartment as long as the "family" sticks together. Not to mention, my parents have never owned a home and to this day, they rent.

As for schedules, forget about it. My mom worked, cleaning houses, still does, crazy amount of hours. My dad, was, is a contractor, has worked crazy schedules all his life. My siblings and I used to walk home from school almost everyday. Something that these days, terrifies me to think that my children would at 10,7, and 5 {that's how old my sister and brother were when we walked home from school} walk home alone.  This world is so dangerous, I know that now. My parents were young, naive, too busy, new to the USA, call it what you want..these days...my husband and I think back at how our parents raised us. It was far from normal and at times dangerous. 

We survived with somewhat minimal trauma and mildly bad memories. I guess. 

My parents have never been perfect and neither has their relationship. I grew up, beside my parents; as they too lived, learned and made mistakes. 

So, when I was younger I decided that I would do what was "normal". I run towards normalizes.

I graduated High School, went to college and graduated, married my college sweet-heart, we bought a small home in the suburbs, 3 years after being married we had our fist child and now at almost 5 years of marriage we have 2 beautiful children. Normal? Right? 

I mean. Our schedules are awful, I am not a stay at home mom and my husband is still in college and is an intern but our life is seemingly average and normal. I like that. I seek it. 

I want my children to grow up, in that true American dream household; I mean that's why my parents came here in the 80's. 

I say it everyday we are NOT perfect but we Love one another and I know that "normal" or not, our little family of 4 has survived, we have made it so far and I pray that we make it a great distance more!

{This topic came up as a result of an article in Parenting Magazine which discussed how families these days are not the "average American" household; where the family of 4 has a father who works and mom who stays home. But, that's what I am after... to be average and normal, it's the new different! }

{My Little Family of Four}

Camila Isabel's Journey {Cont.} ♥

Continued from Camila's Journey Part 1....

After I left the operating room, it's a bit of blur. I was heavily sedated and groggy. 

All I know is that I waited in the room alone for a couple of minutes and then the nurse, my husband, my mom and Camila all entered at once. 

God.

Faith. 

Family. 

Blessings.

Joy. 

Love. 

Patience. 

They all brought me here. To this moment. Of being a Mom. Of having children. Of having a son and now a DAUGHTER. 

I saw her little round face once more and truly, nothing else matters. The pain. Worth it. The wait. Worth it. The chaos. Totally worth it. 

I am now responsible for two tiny people, who lived in my womb for 9 months and were formed from within with His Love, His Grace, and our Faith. We knew that we wanted children. That we wanted a family. And now here we are. About to hold on to that life once more. 

The nurses first question; are you going to breastfeed? Despite all the pain, I quickly replied, YES! I wanted to hold and see her. I wanted to start loving her and showing her that I am here for her. No matter what. The way my mom has been here for me. 

It's all happiness and love. 

It was a long ride and, in the end a somewhat quick journey. But, she was finally here! Camila had arrived and nothing was going to stop her entrance into our lives. And, we are more than overjoyed with her here. 

The next 24 hours we had visitors and nurses come in and out of the room like they owned the place, Ha. But the most important visitor and moment came when Santiago came to meet his new baby sister...CAMILA ISABEL! 

It was exactly like I expected. He was ALL smiles, ear to ear. He was giddy and nervous. He knew this little someone had come to join us and he was happy and excited. Kissing her and giggling. He couldn't contain the emotions. Granted the jealousy and uncertainty that came days later was not fun but I know that deep down inside he knows of this new connection in his life. Someone who he will Love, and who will Love him, someone who he will protect and will protect him, someone who is like him and from the same place as him...my heart! 

I love my children. 

I love having them in my life at this very moment. It has taken A LOT for us all to get here but we are finally here, together. Meant to be. In love. With Faith. Blessed. 

Happy. 

Camila entering our lives has been amazing. I hope that she will find us as wonderful as we think she is. 

I know my past post were pain-filled and even bitter. But, it's all truth. Reality. I don't sugar coat and I want my children to know that yes I suffered, A LOT but that I wouldn't change it for the world. AND, I WOULD DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN, FOR THEM! 

That is life. 

Pain. 

Difficult. 

And REAL. 

All we can do is pray and move forward. 

 AND HERE SHE IS.....

Going Back.

I was devastated to go back to work when I had my son. I felt cheated and was so unhappy! 

This time. I have a little more peace. Being a Stay at Home Mom would be amazing, but it's not where we are right now. 

Where we are right now is a working class family. My husband is still in school but I pray that he will finish soon, in God's time I know. I will be returning to work not bitter but happy that I am a provider for my family and support for my Husband. 

We all have to make some sacrifices in our lives, some huge, others small, this one is a HUGE one for me. Not being with my children when they are little and handing them over to be taken care of. It always makes me nervous, they are my little bitty babies! I love them. I want to hold them all day and all night. My Santi is almost 19 months! 19 months! He is just a baby but all grown up and well my Cami...she is only 3 weeks old... I could cry but God has instilled new peace in me. 

I see my Husband and all the progress that he has made and how I have contributed to that progress. I love it. I love where our family is right now. We are not perfect. We don't have a HUGE house and make millions. Ambition in that sense is gone. We have goals and dreams that God has placed in our hearts and THAT is where we are going....THAT is where we are focused. Others may think that a big house, lots of money, vacations and fancy cars are happiness but I like where we are right now. Happiness is here and we are embracing it..good and bad.

I Thank God once more that 12 years ago he gave me the friend, the man, the partner that HE knew I needed not the one that I thought I wanted. My husband is who he is...I wouldn't change him for the world. Just like I am who I am. Our own selfish expectations about each other have been long gone and the purpose that God has given us as a couple, unchanged and unique as we are, has been an amazing ride!!!! 

The change, the expectations, began with each of us as individuals. We can only change ourselves, once others see the positive and good in us as an individual then they can decide if they want to follow. That is how my Husband and I have arrived at this place of Happiness, not settling, but satisfied! Just because we are happy doesn't mean we don't want MORE for our family, or that we are not working towards more, because we are, we do...everyday.... God has given us FAITH and instilled HUGE dreams and goals in our lives and THAT is where we are right now...fulling our dreams..following His purpose....HAPPY!!!! 


So, I will return to work in about 3 weeks or so....happy, with new goals and dreams....satisfied....and listening to God!!!

Got Milk? Again.

So, I have been working on this post for days now, but am just now getting around to it {Hopefully my kids stay asleep long enough for me to think}. 

When I had Santi, I was a newbie. Everything seemed impossible and too many people had too many opinions. 

Well this time around it was different. I am now a Mom, with my own opinion and experience therefore Breastfeeding came as second nature to me. I love it. 

With my son, both him and I were quickly frustrated and even though I was able to Breastfeed him for about 3 months, it wasn't enough. I wasn't satisfied. But, my body just didn't produce enough milk, yes, I have B.M.E {BreastMilkEnvy}!

Well Thankfully this time my daughter and I have both been more patient and the milk seems to be there...enough, I don't  know but I am doing supplement feedings and she is gaining weight very well. I just hope I can keep up the breastfeeding even after I go back to work. 

It's a lot of work to be a Mom, a Wife, an Employee and BREASTFEED but I think I can do it this time not just for my daughter's health but for self purpose as well.

If you are having trouble with Breastfeeding, click on the word to a great resource! Every little bit of advice and support helps! 

Again, I have a great support system and it all begins with my Husband! 

Have a great weekend!!

Losing it!

Fortunately not my mind.... Ha. 

So, while pregnant with my Cami, I only gained 11 lbs, tell me why I have lost 24lbs in 2 weeks?

Trust me, I didn't try. I didn't care to try. I have been really sick, sleep deprived and just plain tired. Eating is not a priority, what I eat is even less of a priority. The weight loss has not been by choice, but it's welcomed...I guess.

Since I have literally been pregnant for almost 3 years... I have not cared what I look like, how much I gain or what I eat...I left that behind in my early 20's...around the age of 25 to be exact. It has become more of a health thing, for my children not me since I have had Gestational Diabetes with both my children, I've had to really watch what I eat while pregnant. So with my son, I gained 20lbs, I lost it and then some...and now with Camila it's been the same...

If I can manage to keep it off. I want to tone up and maintain my new trim figure. If not..no biggie. As long as I can still run around with Santiago and keep up with Camila, and if I feel good then great. Don't get me wrong, I don't and will never sit around eating Shipley's and McDonald's all day, that's just not me. But, if I have time I will start exercising, being a Momma of Dos will probably mean a lot of creative time organization. Plus, I turn 30 in a couple of months and I want to start my 30's off healthy! 

I don't care to look "hot" or fit into my old jeans, I can always buy more, I just want to be healthy and happy. Which right now, I am VERY happy as for healthy... well that will come soon enough! 

It's been a long 2 weeks and they have brought on many new trials, I think I am overcoming and with the weight gone well it's one less issue to worry about... 

I think. 

My plan; keep moving forward, eat "right" and possibly if I can fit in a workout here and there..then perfect! 

In all, I am not a weight obsessed person but I am a health addict, I hope. I have an amazing family, a wonderful Husband, 2 great Blessing {My children} and lots of Faith!!! 

I don't need to look like J-Lo to add to my happiness...I just am! 

 

C-section vs. V-section?

Ok, there is no "V-section". And, for all you C-section enthusiast this may not be the post to read.

I am here to tell you the evilness of a C-section, per my experience.

It's true. It's not natural. And, there is a reason why having your children "naturally" is called just that.

This was, as you may or may not know, my second C-section. If it weren't for the mere fact that having a C-section has totally ruined having children for me, I would happily be telling you that I can't wait to do it all over again. Unfortunately as happy and enthusiastic as I was to be pregnant once more, a final time if you will. I don't feel that way anymore. With my son, I ignored the pain and pushed past it quite quickly, probably because my husband was there to help me cope, he was laid off at the time and spent my 7 weeks of recovery with me. It was heaven.

This time. I have had the pleasure of meeting torture. Literally from the inside out. To think that one can mess with nature and "play God" if you will is evil. The doctor follows a procedure and invades not only your personal space but destroys your soul from the the inside out. How can they think that messing with someones uterus and "woman-hood" only has "temporary effects", when in reality they have lasting devastating soul wrenching outcomes. I stood in my shower at home, feeling; invaded...violated if you will. Yes. It's that bad.

I prayed day in and day out for 5 days, so that God could heal my physical and spiritual wounds. He is still working, on both. I can sit and cry about it all day. Instead, I pray. I Thank God, for my husband, who knows, and at night simply says..."Connie, I love you."....tears don't flow anymore, they are just there.

I once had a dream that I would have 3 beautiful children all born "naturally", with a Douala and no pain medication. My reality has been so far from that, it's not even funny. I lay in a sterile room restrained to a table while people of all sorts cut, probe and stare. It's not what I envisioned when birthing came to mind but it's been my destiny. I am now recovering. I feel better. Physically some set backs. Emotionally coping. Those beautiful round soft cheeks and pastel pinks help you deal with all the pain. My children are both very much worth it.  I am more than Thankful to be able to become pregnant and to have been able to have 2 children by the age of 30. It's been my calling for many years...to be a Momma.

Now the question. Would I? Can I? Do it again?... sure..but not now...maybe in 3 or 4 years if that's God's will. My husband and I have a vision and we envision 3 beautiful children. If God allow us. We will one day be there. 

For now, I have no regrets. I love BOTH my children, with ALL of my heart and soul. I love being a Momma of Dos. I wouldn't change it for the world. What I do pray for is that my third time, I am able to birth my child naturally, which is why I am hoping to wait the 3 or 4 years.

For all you Momma's; what has been your experience; Natural or C-section? 

Mine has been a Heart-section. God has asked me to deal with pain in a special way and to have Faith. This experience has allowed me growth and patience. Faith and Love. I seek Him every morning, the way I should regardless of a C-section or not. I seek Him. He is with me. I have Faith.

Aside from God, he has provided me with the best support system as well. My Husband, number one. My Mom and Sister and my husband's Mom, Sister, Cousins and Aunt. Have all played an very important role, from a simple phone call to spending days in and days out with me. It helps. My husband is such a strong person in my life, he is my rock and without him, nothing in my life would be complete. He has been there for me regardless of his own stress right now. I love him and Thank God for him.

I hope that no one would have to go through the pain and aches that my heart and soul have felt while trying to make the best of the most beautiful experience God has given us, becoming a Momma. But, if you do, I pray that you will seek God and that he will provide you with Faith and strength and surround you with Love the way he has done with me. 
 

::Momma Blues:: Dealing with Depression as a Mom

So, in the first two days after my c-section and delivery of Camila, I was overwhelmed to say the least. Everyone wants to meet the new baby, you can't say no, yet you feel horrible....physically I "seemed" to be healing and recovering quickly. When I was there I thought this is too good to be true...that I felt so good.

Sure enough. I left the hospital only 48 hours after giving birth to Camila. I felt "great", nothing compared to how I felt after my first c-section {LIKE A TRAIN HAD RUN ME OVER!}. I was also feeling a little neglected by the hospital. Seems once you have your baby nothing else matters. I asked to go home. Everyone agreed. I was given TWO different pain medications and ushered out the front door of the hospital as if life couldn't get any better. Well it does....but only AFTER you feel better from being torn open and a child taken from within you.  It's no joke. As I have figured out the hard way.

The next two days were not only an emotionally and spiritually draining experience, but also awareness of true physical healing. I was home. The pain medications had worn out and my body was beginning to feel the repercussions of not being able to naturally birth my children. I had, "un-naturally" given birth and now my body, mind, heart and soul were paying for it.

To top it all off I felt; inadequate and frustrated as the Mom of my 18 month old. Sad about his tears the next morning as he tried to climb my belly and I couldn't help but yell..."NO!" The devastation in his tears and the fear in his little man cry, tore me not only further down but completely apart. How, how could I be going through this. For the next 5 days my pain would only grow as my son had to be taken to his Grandmothers to be taken care of. As I stayed home with my newborn Camila. His eyes looking at me like "WHY?". His little face filled with sadness and disappointment! Here his mommy was at home...finally....and he had to be taken away. As soon as the door closed behind him, tears and pain poured out of my face and heart. I hated EVERY moment of feeling so tired and in pain, helpless and hopeless.  Failure. I was a total failure as a Mom, a wife, a human, a person who couldn't shake it off.

Unfair? To my son? To my body? To myself? I didn't know. After that torture, I finally decided to start up the at home pain medication. You know the one  that turns you into a zombie and only gives you the illusion of feeling better. Yes that one. Well, then new pain. A bladder infection like now other. Fevers of 103.5 and pain in my kidney. 3 days of that, more tears, lots more prayers and then "a good week". I finally got the strength to stay home with my children, both of them and move forward. But, then another set back. I am now dealing with an infection to my surgery site and cold like symptoms; sore throat, running nose and cough. Just can't get a break.

But, I know soon things will get back to normal.

My children are doing great. They are both at home with me, healthy and helping me heal.

Before I went on my Blog-cation I stated that I would go into "research" mode, which I have not done really since college.

And, I think the best subject to address is ; Depression.

{Which I would like to think is one of the top New Mommy or Mommy to be questions.}

I've always believed in it and it's many levels. There is a history of depression amongst the women in my family. With that said, for years, I've learned to manage it and combat it. But, when I was pregnant with my son. I was VERY depressed. Never diagnosed because I was too embarrassed to tell my doctor, I am not sure how severe it was but comparing it to my current mood, I would say it was pretty severe. 

I never wanted to harm myself or my unborn child but I often wondered if I would ever be a good parent, if I would ever be "sexy" to my husband again, or why I was just so sad and couldn't be happy! I wondered if I would ever be happy again. 

I simply couldn't shake it. 

It was bigger than me.

Even prayers and relating to my very pregnant friends didn't work. I felt alone and as if I couldn't relate to anyone. Everyone else had seemingly normal and uneventful pregnancies. Me, I felt like, I had the worse of the worse. Everyday was a "woe me" day.

Thankfully the "blues" went away when my son was born. I had purpose and a reason to be happy. 

As I stated before, when I was pregnant with my son, I had no life! All I did was read and think and think and read. 

These days things are a lot more complicated and although my first days home after having Camila were VERY difficult, emotionally and spiritually, most are very optimistic. For years now I have sincerely given all my troubles; Family, Finances and Marriage to God. I truly believe that with Him all things are possible. 

My husband was laid off a week before my son was born (17 months ago) and is now attempting to complete his college education on a intern salary..which trust me is not much. You would think that with all the responsibility of 2 extra little people in our lives and just barely making it day in and day out that we would be overwhelmed and saddened by our situation, but we are not. 

What gets me most these days is the undying desire to be a "Stay-at-Home Mom". I know that right now, and maybe not for a while longer, it's not at all an option. I believe in miracles and I have Faith, I know that it will be God's will and not mine which will be done. I stay close to that thought. 

While I was pregnant I had several "episodes" if you will and of course my fragile and then very pregnant body would react to it. When I emerged I realized it was more about natural depression then anything else. So, I looked up depression during pregnancy. I have always heard about postpartum depression but rarely about depression while pregnant. I found it interesting that 1 in 10 women feel depressed during pregnancy {According to March of Dimes research it's 1 in 5, which just makes me think that it's worse than I thought}. And, when I commented my feelings to a friend who is also pregnant, she stated that she too felt down at times. I think women don't understand how harmful this can be to you and your baby. 

 {Reminder; I am NOT an expert by any means. Simply a concerned Mom} 

CLICK HERE to read the whole article. 

Here are some of the symptoms:

* A sense that nothing feels enjoyable or fun anymore

* Feeling blue, sad, or "empty" for most of the day, every day

* It's harder to concentrate

* Extreme irritability or agitation or excessive crying

* Trouble sleeping or sleeping all the time

* Extreme or never-ending fatigue

* A desire to eat all the time or not wanting to eat at all

* Inappropriate guilt or feelings of worthlessness or hopelessness

I then went on to seek some solutions a site gave the following: 

• Support groups
• Private psychotherapy
• Medication
• Light therapy

They seemed a bit vague for someone like me who likes straight forward answers. I don't believe in medication unless your case is extreme. I do think you should tell someone. Anyone. And, as for "light therapy", I think in my case, I created my own. 

While I was pregnant with my son, I really took care of my diet and more importantly my FAITH. It also helped to have a husband who is very persistent and asks a lot of questions. He would often call me after work to meet him for a walk in the park near our home. That always helped. In all, I remained focused on other things aside from my depression.

When I was pregnant with my daughter I had no time to really be depressed. And, aside from the first week at home I have felt pretty good. 

These days I deal with depression by allowing my son {and now daughter} to be in my face reminding me that I can't be sad or feeling down because if I am who will feed them, play with them, bathe them, watch over them, etc etc etc. I also talk more to other women about how I feel. Of course above all every day I start off by talking to God, asking for strength and energy to get through my days. I plan my days and remain focused. Focused on me and my situation. I also have hobbies, I like to think. Ha. I write and read when I can. I plan to start up my Mommy yoga as soon as the doctor allows me. 

I found the following report with some of the same ideas as mine, scroll to the end to read the alternate treatments.

In all, I hope this helps someone. Even if you are not pregnant. Depression is real and you should seek out help.

Even if it's just a friend who can listen.  

These days life is much easier, a little more balanced but there is always room for more improvement, which I am constantly working on. Every day. In many aspects of my life.